Dear Sawyer,
Well, I guess it's been ALMOST three months. 3 more days. It was a Sunday when we held you. I know your mom and I will be coming to see you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I've thought of so many things to write, I can't really explain why I haven't. I know that if you are in the place we believe you to be that you have heard my thoughts to you. The days have gotten marginally better than they were a couple months ago. I still have moments of overwhelming sadness. There are moments at work that I just bury my head in my hands and cry. I think sometimes I do it to myself. I'll play a song that I know will remind me of you, like the song that was played at your funeral. I think I'm doing ok, but I can envision never really getting over this. I imagine when your mom and I finally do get to welcome a baby into the world that the joy will be bitter sweet. I'm sure through out life as we experience first steps, first words, baptism, etc. we will feel joy and sorrow. I've grown somewhat used to that already with Kelsey and Kaiden. I was not given the opportunity to baptism either of them, something I should have been able to do. A year or two ago I was able to baptize a young girl and while I felt incredibly honored and happy to do it I was very sad at the same time. I know that the 8th anniversary of your passing will be hard for me.
On a good note I have felt more motivated to better myself. I've been watching what I eat and working a lot at home. Part of me doesn't want to do anything that would prolong my life. Not that I would ever do anything to end it but I don't want to wait to see you. I know that there are a lot of things here I don't want to miss out on. Although I am anxious to see you, I know that it might be a long wait.
We ordered your headstone last week. I am very glad that we were able to. It really, really bothered me that we had not been able to do that yet. I like the design, and can't wait until it's in.
I miss you,
Dad
