Sunday, November 27, 2011

Holidays....

Dear Sawyer,

A couple of days ago we celebrated Thanksgiving with family. I wish you were there. I know this holiday season will be pretty difficult. For Halloween we bought 2 regular size pumpkins and one small pumpkin for you. We didn't carve it though. I think buying you a pumpkin every year will become a tradition, it is one of our favorite holidays.

Thanksgiving was difficult. Your mom hasn't been feeling well and being around family is hard. Sometimes I still want to just be with your mom and not really anyone else. I don't know how I will handle Christmas. We are going back over to Spokane, but there will be a huge something missing. I'd like to get an ornament for you, at least for this year.

Today we stopped by on our way home. It had been raining really hard but right before we got to Snohomish the rain stopped and we had a glimpse of blue sky. We cleaned the leaves off your headstone and placed some flowers.

Your mom is 12 weeks along now. We heard the heartbeat last week and had an ultrasound. Everything looks great and we got a video. I can't wait to find out if you are having a brother or sister.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Hardest day in awhile...

Dear Sawyer,

It's been almost 7 months. If you were here we'd probably be spending a lot of time playing peek-a-boo. I know I haven't written in awhile, although I talk to you pretty much every day still. I've gone over things to write, but haven't. Today I had to write, it's been tough.

Your aunt Jamie delivered a healthy boy today, your cousin Fritz. There've been so many mixed emotions. I'm glad that they had a pregnancy free from complications, I don't want anyone to go through what your mother and I did. I was pretty nervous while Jamie was pregnant. If things didn't go well it would have been devastating for so many people, including your mom. I think if she did have problems I wouldn't have wanted to try again. Your mom has been with Jamie for most of the day, I'm glad she was able to go and I hope that it is healing for her. I'm sure she'll be there for a few days. I've also been really sad. It's brought back a lot of the feelings of that day, of losing you. Your mom is pregnant and I think that's gotten me on edge a little as well. I'm excited, but I don't know that it's fully sunk in. When I found out I went out and bought a fetal doppler, just like they use in the hospital. Now I'll be able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want to.

I wish you were here.

Love,

Dad