My dear Sawyer,
It has been too long since I have shared my thoughts. There have been many, many times that I have crafted letters to you in my head. I have to believe that you have heard every one. I have to believe that you are out there somewhere, waiting until we can all be a family together.
Christmas is approaching, a very difficult time for me. Christmas used to be the only time of the year that really reminded me that I had a family. Most of the very few memories I have growing up that were good and included my whole family was around the holidays. Maybe that comes from the excitement kids get when unwrapping presents, but it's really all I have. My family is so broken in so many ways that sometimes I just can't make sense of it all. Until June of this year I had three kids, the oldest being 14. Yet, I haven't had any of my children with me at Christmas for the past 8 years. I haven't seen their faces light up when they see a Christmas tree with presents. Where we live the firefighters put lights on their fire truck every year and drive around passing candy canes. I'm sure that you would have been really excited to see that this year. I would have loved to have Kelsey and Kaiden up for that as well. It was really hard this year but a blessing as well. I'm glad that Sullivan was there, even if he didn't show much of a reaction. I know next year will be better. This will be the first year in so long that I've had at least one child with me during Christmas, I don't know if that will make it easier or harder. Sometimes it is easy to put things out of your mind when there is nothing physical there to remind you of them. While I'll be glad that Sullivan is there I'll be hurting for those that aren't. I'm glad that Sullivan will be here, and to celebrate Christmas with him, but I will be also glad when the decorations get put away and I no longer have to hear Christmas music. I hate being so conflicted, I would do anything to have all four of my children with me for just one day...
Love,
Dad
