A year ago I received a call no parent wants to hear. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was down in LA, about to visit my kids. It was around noon. I was sitting in a hotel parking lot, I wasn't checked in. I sat there, praying for everything to be OK. I remember the challenge in finding a last minute flight home, sitting in the airport noticing the small kids. My heart was broken for Stephanie, who luckily had some family and friends around her. I have a hard time saying it was the worst weekend of my life, although most of it felt that way. I've never felt more alone, waiting to get home, and I never felt more surrounded and supported by friends and family. I've never felt such sadness before or shed as many tears. But that was the weekend that I saw my daughter for the first time, and was able to hold her. How can that make a weekend so horrible? I guess saying that it was a weekend of contrasts and severe emotions would suffice.
I'm sure the next couple days will be hard, the last week has already been.
Stephanie is pregnant again, with less than 2 months to go. We are having a boy who will be named Sullivan Sawyer Keith. He's been incredibly active, which has been a huge blessing, a constant reminder that things are going OK. We have a heart beat monitor, which we can use whenever we want to double check. A couple weeks ago there was a time when Sullivan wasn't as active as normal. We of course both were worried. but a couple minutes later we were listening to his heart beat.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Holidays....
Dear Sawyer,
A couple of days ago we celebrated Thanksgiving with family. I wish you were there. I know this holiday season will be pretty difficult. For Halloween we bought 2 regular size pumpkins and one small pumpkin for you. We didn't carve it though. I think buying you a pumpkin every year will become a tradition, it is one of our favorite holidays.
Thanksgiving was difficult. Your mom hasn't been feeling well and being around family is hard. Sometimes I still want to just be with your mom and not really anyone else. I don't know how I will handle Christmas. We are going back over to Spokane, but there will be a huge something missing. I'd like to get an ornament for you, at least for this year.
Today we stopped by on our way home. It had been raining really hard but right before we got to Snohomish the rain stopped and we had a glimpse of blue sky. We cleaned the leaves off your headstone and placed some flowers.
Your mom is 12 weeks along now. We heard the heartbeat last week and had an ultrasound. Everything looks great and we got a video. I can't wait to find out if you are having a brother or sister.
A couple of days ago we celebrated Thanksgiving with family. I wish you were there. I know this holiday season will be pretty difficult. For Halloween we bought 2 regular size pumpkins and one small pumpkin for you. We didn't carve it though. I think buying you a pumpkin every year will become a tradition, it is one of our favorite holidays.
Thanksgiving was difficult. Your mom hasn't been feeling well and being around family is hard. Sometimes I still want to just be with your mom and not really anyone else. I don't know how I will handle Christmas. We are going back over to Spokane, but there will be a huge something missing. I'd like to get an ornament for you, at least for this year.
Today we stopped by on our way home. It had been raining really hard but right before we got to Snohomish the rain stopped and we had a glimpse of blue sky. We cleaned the leaves off your headstone and placed some flowers.
Your mom is 12 weeks along now. We heard the heartbeat last week and had an ultrasound. Everything looks great and we got a video. I can't wait to find out if you are having a brother or sister.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Hardest day in awhile...
Dear Sawyer,
It's been almost 7 months. If you were here we'd probably be spending a lot of time playing peek-a-boo. I know I haven't written in awhile, although I talk to you pretty much every day still. I've gone over things to write, but haven't. Today I had to write, it's been tough.
Your aunt Jamie delivered a healthy boy today, your cousin Fritz. There've been so many mixed emotions. I'm glad that they had a pregnancy free from complications, I don't want anyone to go through what your mother and I did. I was pretty nervous while Jamie was pregnant. If things didn't go well it would have been devastating for so many people, including your mom. I think if she did have problems I wouldn't have wanted to try again. Your mom has been with Jamie for most of the day, I'm glad she was able to go and I hope that it is healing for her. I'm sure she'll be there for a few days. I've also been really sad. It's brought back a lot of the feelings of that day, of losing you. Your mom is pregnant and I think that's gotten me on edge a little as well. I'm excited, but I don't know that it's fully sunk in. When I found out I went out and bought a fetal doppler, just like they use in the hospital. Now I'll be able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want to.
I wish you were here.
Love,
Dad
It's been almost 7 months. If you were here we'd probably be spending a lot of time playing peek-a-boo. I know I haven't written in awhile, although I talk to you pretty much every day still. I've gone over things to write, but haven't. Today I had to write, it's been tough.
Your aunt Jamie delivered a healthy boy today, your cousin Fritz. There've been so many mixed emotions. I'm glad that they had a pregnancy free from complications, I don't want anyone to go through what your mother and I did. I was pretty nervous while Jamie was pregnant. If things didn't go well it would have been devastating for so many people, including your mom. I think if she did have problems I wouldn't have wanted to try again. Your mom has been with Jamie for most of the day, I'm glad she was able to go and I hope that it is healing for her. I'm sure she'll be there for a few days. I've also been really sad. It's brought back a lot of the feelings of that day, of losing you. Your mom is pregnant and I think that's gotten me on edge a little as well. I'm excited, but I don't know that it's fully sunk in. When I found out I went out and bought a fetal doppler, just like they use in the hospital. Now I'll be able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want to.
I wish you were here.
Love,
Dad
Monday, August 8, 2011
4 months....
Dear Sawyer,
It's almost been 4 months now. If you had been born on your due date you would have just turned 3 months old. Your mom and I would hopefully be sleeping through the night. I would know what your smile looks like. You'd probably be cooing by now and trying to make conversation with us.
Some days are still pretty hard. This weekend had a few bad moments for me. Shortly after your passing I had bought some rubber bracelets for your mom, grandmothers, and siblings. Your mom's said Mommy of an Angel. Mine says Daddy of an Angel. I hadn't been able to wear mine because it was a little too tight. I tried it this weekend and it fit comfortably. Putting it on was good, but brought a lot of the pain back. I also was able to get my wedding ring on which I haven't been able to wear for 2 years.
On Sunday a friend of mine got to bless his baby girl. I didn't think I was going to be able to sit through it but luckily the mic wasn't working so I couldn't really hear anything. I was really jealous that he had the opportunity to do that and I didn't. Maybe someday after this life I will.
We are still working on the design for your headstone, although hopefully it will be finished soon.
I miss you,
Dad
It's almost been 4 months now. If you had been born on your due date you would have just turned 3 months old. Your mom and I would hopefully be sleeping through the night. I would know what your smile looks like. You'd probably be cooing by now and trying to make conversation with us.
Some days are still pretty hard. This weekend had a few bad moments for me. Shortly after your passing I had bought some rubber bracelets for your mom, grandmothers, and siblings. Your mom's said Mommy of an Angel. Mine says Daddy of an Angel. I hadn't been able to wear mine because it was a little too tight. I tried it this weekend and it fit comfortably. Putting it on was good, but brought a lot of the pain back. I also was able to get my wedding ring on which I haven't been able to wear for 2 years.
On Sunday a friend of mine got to bless his baby girl. I didn't think I was going to be able to sit through it but luckily the mic wasn't working so I couldn't really hear anything. I was really jealous that he had the opportunity to do that and I didn't. Maybe someday after this life I will.
We are still working on the design for your headstone, although hopefully it will be finished soon.
I miss you,
Dad
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Has it been three months already?
Dear Sawyer,
Well, I guess it's been ALMOST three months. 3 more days. It was a Sunday when we held you. I know your mom and I will be coming to see you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I've thought of so many things to write, I can't really explain why I haven't. I know that if you are in the place we believe you to be that you have heard my thoughts to you. The days have gotten marginally better than they were a couple months ago. I still have moments of overwhelming sadness. There are moments at work that I just bury my head in my hands and cry. I think sometimes I do it to myself. I'll play a song that I know will remind me of you, like the song that was played at your funeral. I think I'm doing ok, but I can envision never really getting over this. I imagine when your mom and I finally do get to welcome a baby into the world that the joy will be bitter sweet. I'm sure through out life as we experience first steps, first words, baptism, etc. we will feel joy and sorrow. I've grown somewhat used to that already with Kelsey and Kaiden. I was not given the opportunity to baptism either of them, something I should have been able to do. A year or two ago I was able to baptize a young girl and while I felt incredibly honored and happy to do it I was very sad at the same time. I know that the 8th anniversary of your passing will be hard for me.
On a good note I have felt more motivated to better myself. I've been watching what I eat and working a lot at home. Part of me doesn't want to do anything that would prolong my life. Not that I would ever do anything to end it but I don't want to wait to see you. I know that there are a lot of things here I don't want to miss out on. Although I am anxious to see you, I know that it might be a long wait.
We ordered your headstone last week. I am very glad that we were able to. It really, really bothered me that we had not been able to do that yet. I like the design, and can't wait until it's in.
I miss you,
Dad
Well, I guess it's been ALMOST three months. 3 more days. It was a Sunday when we held you. I know your mom and I will be coming to see you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I've thought of so many things to write, I can't really explain why I haven't. I know that if you are in the place we believe you to be that you have heard my thoughts to you. The days have gotten marginally better than they were a couple months ago. I still have moments of overwhelming sadness. There are moments at work that I just bury my head in my hands and cry. I think sometimes I do it to myself. I'll play a song that I know will remind me of you, like the song that was played at your funeral. I think I'm doing ok, but I can envision never really getting over this. I imagine when your mom and I finally do get to welcome a baby into the world that the joy will be bitter sweet. I'm sure through out life as we experience first steps, first words, baptism, etc. we will feel joy and sorrow. I've grown somewhat used to that already with Kelsey and Kaiden. I was not given the opportunity to baptism either of them, something I should have been able to do. A year or two ago I was able to baptize a young girl and while I felt incredibly honored and happy to do it I was very sad at the same time. I know that the 8th anniversary of your passing will be hard for me.
On a good note I have felt more motivated to better myself. I've been watching what I eat and working a lot at home. Part of me doesn't want to do anything that would prolong my life. Not that I would ever do anything to end it but I don't want to wait to see you. I know that there are a lot of things here I don't want to miss out on. Although I am anxious to see you, I know that it might be a long wait.
We ordered your headstone last week. I am very glad that we were able to. It really, really bothered me that we had not been able to do that yet. I like the design, and can't wait until it's in.
I miss you,
Dad
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's day....
Dear Sawyer,
Today has been a pretty hard day. The last week wasn't too bad, although the week before was. The last week was probably as bad as it's been emotionally. I felt like I was a complete wreck at work, although I tried to not let it show. We got the pictures that were taken at the hospital. I am glad that we have them. They are very sad, but comforting that I will never forget what you looked like on the day we saw you.
We went to LA this weekend to see your brother and sister. It was a hard trip for your mom and I. This would have been the first trip we would have probably taken you on. Driving back today was a big reminder of how I feel I'm a failure as a father, sometimes I feel like maybe that's why you were taken away. Maybe I'll never get the chance to be a real father. I don't see your brother and sister as much as I wish I could. I spent Father's day driving away from them and without you. I didn't hear "Happy Father's Day" from your brother or sister. I think those were the only two I really wanted to hear it from. I am glad that nobody else has really said anything, there's really nothing happy about it at all.
Scott
Today has been a pretty hard day. The last week wasn't too bad, although the week before was. The last week was probably as bad as it's been emotionally. I felt like I was a complete wreck at work, although I tried to not let it show. We got the pictures that were taken at the hospital. I am glad that we have them. They are very sad, but comforting that I will never forget what you looked like on the day we saw you.
We went to LA this weekend to see your brother and sister. It was a hard trip for your mom and I. This would have been the first trip we would have probably taken you on. Driving back today was a big reminder of how I feel I'm a failure as a father, sometimes I feel like maybe that's why you were taken away. Maybe I'll never get the chance to be a real father. I don't see your brother and sister as much as I wish I could. I spent Father's day driving away from them and without you. I didn't hear "Happy Father's Day" from your brother or sister. I think those were the only two I really wanted to hear it from. I am glad that nobody else has really said anything, there's really nothing happy about it at all.
Scott
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Dear Sawyer,
I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place. We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut. I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.
We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.
The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.
In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.
Love, Dad
I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place. We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut. I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.
We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.
The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.
In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.
Love, Dad
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