Normally I have started my posts as a letter directly to Sawyer. The posts reflect what I would want Sawyer to know about how we are handling things. While they are written with her as the main audience I obviously realize that other people will be reading my blog and so I also write in a way to help others understand how we are going through the grief process. I have been somewhat conflicted about what I was going to write about today. This morning I had a very personal, spiritual experience. While I am normally very open, my faith is very important to me. I want to share the experience, but I also want to maintain the sacredness of it.
For those that are reading this who are unfamiliar with LDS (Mormon) beliefs, one of the activities we love to do is worship and learn in one of our temples. It is a sacred and special experience for us. Inside every temple is a room for quiet thought and meditation. We believe that it is the closest we will get to God on this Earth. The rooms are both elegant and simple and called the celestial room. http://www.moroni10.com/LDS/Temple_Tour/Celestial_Room.html is a link to a few pictures of what the rooms look like.
Dear Sawyer,
Today has been a peaceful, comforting day. Not completely devoid of sadness, but good none the less. I got a text message a couple days ago from Katharina asking if I wanted to go to the temple with Aaron. We needed to be there before 6am so I was a little reluctant at first. I sure like getting as much sleep as I can, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to spend time with Aaron. This morning I awoke early and we went to the temple. The session was really great. Afterwards I went into the Celestial room and sat quietly thinking about you. I realized that if you were with God and the Celestial room is the closest I will get to God on this earth then I knew at that moment that I was the closest to you I will ever get in this life. I sat quietly and it wasn't long before the tears started to flow. Within a few moments though the tears stopped and the most comforting feeling came over me. I felt you so close to me. I could picture you looking down on me, surrounded by family that have already passed. I didn't want to leave, but at the same time I felt guilty that your mom wasn't there experiencing the same thing I was.
After the temple Aaron and I went to Snohomish and had breakfast. We drove up to the cemetary afterwards and I spent a few solemn minutes standing next to you. Aaron was unable to make it to your funeral so this was the first time he had been there. The weather was nice and the flowers still looked beautiful.
The rest of the day was really good. As I was driving home after dropping Aaron off I passed a friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a while. He's been going through a rough patch as well so I thought I'd give him a call. I'm glad I did. His son has been having a really hard time and due to some bad circumstances they are not able to spend time together. I could tell how much he worried about his son. I spoke to the boy's mother and expressed my desire to help them out as much as I could. She mentioned that he had expressed a desire to see me a couple times so I decided to invite him along for some bowling. In the early afternoon I went bowling with him, your mom, and Grandma Sherri. We had a really good time and I got my highest score to date, a 225. We came back home and played some video games before I took him back home.
I hope you are doing well. I cannot wait for the day that we are together again.
Love, Dad.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
First week of work...
Dear Sawyer,
Well, my first week back at work down. Things went ok, better than I had expected. I was able to concentrate on my work for the most part, although anytime I had a break things were hard. Everyone at work has been really great. I appreciate feeling their support and concern. It's nice to know that people care about you. I had to go over to the main office today which gave me a chance to see everyone else that I hadn't seen yet.
I miss your mom being pregnant. I miss how she would feel her belly and smile when you started moving around. I miss being excited to go shopping for clothes for you. I really tried to balance out your outfits to have a lot of "pro daddy" clothes. Onsies and shirts that said things about you being daddy's princess and things like that. To be honest I was nervous having a girl. I know that I can be really protective, and I would hate to spend my life on blood pressure medicine because I worried about you too much. But now that your gone, I really hope our next one is a girl. We've talked about naming our next child to have Sawyer as a middle name. Would you be ok with that? I think it would be a nice connection that they could have with the sister they won't get to know for awhile.
I am worried about whether or not we will be able to have another child. I know how disappointed your mom would be if she never had one of her own. I would be really disappointed as well. I wonder how that will change things? Yesterday we went to Red Robin for dinner. Directly in my field of view was a small girl, probably 6 months old or so. I noticed that she didn't have much more hair than you had. Seeing her reminded me of you. If we have another girl would I constantly be reminded of you? Or would it help? After we have another baby will I still get sad when I see a baby?
I think one of the worst parts of grieving and going through something like this is feeling guilty when you laugh, guilty when you smile, guilty when you are not thinking about the recent loss. I feel guilty that it hasn't even been two weeks but I feel pretty good. I wonder if it is my faith and belief that we will be together again that is making this easier. When people ask how we are doing I usually say something like, "pretty good considering..." I let them draw their own conclusions as to what that means. I consider myself someone who is compassionate about other people, I don't want people to think that I should be mourning more. Maybe I should stop worrying about what other people think.
In some ways you are the third child I have lost. While I still get to see Kelsey and Kaiden every month the visits are short and I don't feel like I have the benefits or experiences that a father should have with their children. I've had to come to terms with losing them in that capacity, maybe that's helping me deal with this loss as well. I do hope that as they get older that our relationship will get closer.
I wonder what life is going to be like for us a year from now. I should finally be out of school, I'm sure your mom will be pregnant by then. Maybe we'll be in a house with horses. I know that I will still be thinking about you, that I will still miss you, and I will still look forward to when we are together again.
Love,
Dad
Well, my first week back at work down. Things went ok, better than I had expected. I was able to concentrate on my work for the most part, although anytime I had a break things were hard. Everyone at work has been really great. I appreciate feeling their support and concern. It's nice to know that people care about you. I had to go over to the main office today which gave me a chance to see everyone else that I hadn't seen yet.
I miss your mom being pregnant. I miss how she would feel her belly and smile when you started moving around. I miss being excited to go shopping for clothes for you. I really tried to balance out your outfits to have a lot of "pro daddy" clothes. Onsies and shirts that said things about you being daddy's princess and things like that. To be honest I was nervous having a girl. I know that I can be really protective, and I would hate to spend my life on blood pressure medicine because I worried about you too much. But now that your gone, I really hope our next one is a girl. We've talked about naming our next child to have Sawyer as a middle name. Would you be ok with that? I think it would be a nice connection that they could have with the sister they won't get to know for awhile.
I am worried about whether or not we will be able to have another child. I know how disappointed your mom would be if she never had one of her own. I would be really disappointed as well. I wonder how that will change things? Yesterday we went to Red Robin for dinner. Directly in my field of view was a small girl, probably 6 months old or so. I noticed that she didn't have much more hair than you had. Seeing her reminded me of you. If we have another girl would I constantly be reminded of you? Or would it help? After we have another baby will I still get sad when I see a baby?
I think one of the worst parts of grieving and going through something like this is feeling guilty when you laugh, guilty when you smile, guilty when you are not thinking about the recent loss. I feel guilty that it hasn't even been two weeks but I feel pretty good. I wonder if it is my faith and belief that we will be together again that is making this easier. When people ask how we are doing I usually say something like, "pretty good considering..." I let them draw their own conclusions as to what that means. I consider myself someone who is compassionate about other people, I don't want people to think that I should be mourning more. Maybe I should stop worrying about what other people think.
In some ways you are the third child I have lost. While I still get to see Kelsey and Kaiden every month the visits are short and I don't feel like I have the benefits or experiences that a father should have with their children. I've had to come to terms with losing them in that capacity, maybe that's helping me deal with this loss as well. I do hope that as they get older that our relationship will get closer.
I wonder what life is going to be like for us a year from now. I should finally be out of school, I'm sure your mom will be pregnant by then. Maybe we'll be in a house with horses. I know that I will still be thinking about you, that I will still miss you, and I will still look forward to when we are together again.
Love,
Dad
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday... blah.... it is Wednesday right?
Dear Sawyer,
I don't know why it is so hard to keep track of what day it is. I was off on Monday, today is my 2nd day back at work so it would be Wednesday. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday I'm sure I'll be trying to adjust to my new life for quite a while. I took a lunch break today, I just needed to get out for awhile. I still haven't ventured over to the main office.... maybe tomorrow. I rescheduled the work bowling for May 12th although it seems like most people won't be able to make it. I don't know really what to say about today. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I usually do pretty good but have moments of intense saddness. I think about you a lot.
I replay the conversation I had with your mom all the time. She had called from the hospital, we were worried but weren't sure about anything. I was in California sitting in my rental car at the hotel. I hadn't checked in because I was waiting to hear. She said, "It's not good, they couldn't find a heartbeat." We only talked for a minute or two, I don't think I could have kept it together for any longer. I called your Grandma Sherri and told her, "We lost her, we lost Sawyer." I was a wreck, and alone. She did a good job of getting me calm as I had started to hyperventilate. If I wasn't on the phone with her I don't know what would have happened.
Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Various scenes from the days that followed the horrible news play in my head. Part of me wants them out, part of me wants to never forget them. My time with you was so short, filled with such extreme emotion. If I were to cut out what was really painful then I'd lose a lot of what we experienced. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around things, memories, being both terribly sad and happy at the same time. Holding you for the time I did was so sad, knowing that it would be the first and only time I held you on this Earth, but I was also happy that I had the chance to hold you and how beautiful you are. Sometimes I feel a wave of comfort coming over me and I can't help but wonder and hope that it is you that is doing the comforting.
I was at a stop light today coming home from work and the sadness really struck. It can be a fairly long light and gave me a lot of time to let my mind wander... "They couldn't find a heartbeat", "We lost her" kept playing over and over in my mind. Lowering your casket in the grave, holding your mother as she wept. So much came through in such a short period of time. Then later in the evening I was laying down for a quick nap. I heard your mother start to play the piano. It's been a couple weeks since she had and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard. I went out to watch her play and the sadness struck again. thinking how much she played Fur Elise while you were in her belly. I often thought as she played that you would someday be comforted by that song, since you've heard it so much.
I miss you.
Love,
Dad
I don't know why it is so hard to keep track of what day it is. I was off on Monday, today is my 2nd day back at work so it would be Wednesday. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday I'm sure I'll be trying to adjust to my new life for quite a while. I took a lunch break today, I just needed to get out for awhile. I still haven't ventured over to the main office.... maybe tomorrow. I rescheduled the work bowling for May 12th although it seems like most people won't be able to make it. I don't know really what to say about today. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I usually do pretty good but have moments of intense saddness. I think about you a lot.
I replay the conversation I had with your mom all the time. She had called from the hospital, we were worried but weren't sure about anything. I was in California sitting in my rental car at the hotel. I hadn't checked in because I was waiting to hear. She said, "It's not good, they couldn't find a heartbeat." We only talked for a minute or two, I don't think I could have kept it together for any longer. I called your Grandma Sherri and told her, "We lost her, we lost Sawyer." I was a wreck, and alone. She did a good job of getting me calm as I had started to hyperventilate. If I wasn't on the phone with her I don't know what would have happened.
Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Various scenes from the days that followed the horrible news play in my head. Part of me wants them out, part of me wants to never forget them. My time with you was so short, filled with such extreme emotion. If I were to cut out what was really painful then I'd lose a lot of what we experienced. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around things, memories, being both terribly sad and happy at the same time. Holding you for the time I did was so sad, knowing that it would be the first and only time I held you on this Earth, but I was also happy that I had the chance to hold you and how beautiful you are. Sometimes I feel a wave of comfort coming over me and I can't help but wonder and hope that it is you that is doing the comforting.
I was at a stop light today coming home from work and the sadness really struck. It can be a fairly long light and gave me a lot of time to let my mind wander... "They couldn't find a heartbeat", "We lost her" kept playing over and over in my mind. Lowering your casket in the grave, holding your mother as she wept. So much came through in such a short period of time. Then later in the evening I was laying down for a quick nap. I heard your mother start to play the piano. It's been a couple weeks since she had and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard. I went out to watch her play and the sadness struck again. thinking how much she played Fur Elise while you were in her belly. I often thought as she played that you would someday be comforted by that song, since you've heard it so much.
I miss you.
Love,
Dad
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Back to work....
Dear Sawyer,
Today I went back to work. I thought it would be easier than it was. Yesterday was fairly ho hum. We said goodbye to Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don. Your mom was in quite a bit of pain, which had me pretty concerned. We took it easy the whole day and I'm not even sure if I left the house. That's pretty sad isn't it? I can't really remember what I did. I must have gone somewhere though, I'm pretty sure I moved my truck from the driveway to street parking so that Grandma Sherri would be able to park her car in the driveway. Maybe I did that on Sunday...
This morning I felt fine as I went to work. I didn't sleep very well last night, but what else is new? I was walking from the parking lot to the office building I was stopped by a co-worker. I haven't had too many conversations with him since I started work there but he told me how sorry he was to hear the news and I could hear him getting a little choked up about it. Grief can be a funny thing. My grief is for the daughter I lost and the amount of pain that I see my wife going through. I also grieve for family and friends that are so affected by the news. The co-worker this morning was experiencing grief and I wonder where a lot of it was coming from. Was he sharing in my grief? Had he lost a child somewhere along the way? Did he imagine what it would be like if he lost a child?
I walked up to my office and said hi to my manager. I could feel the tears coming as she expressed her sympathy for your mom and I. I didn't do a very good job at holding them back. I think Monday was the first day I didn't break down at some point. The same cannot be said about today. I don't consider myself as going backwards or losing progress though. Sometimes in life things are 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it can even be no steps forward and a few steps back. It doesn't mean you aren't making progress in the overall scheme of things. Another of my co-workers stopped in and dropped off a card. She has been through a similiar experience and offered an ear if your mom and I wanted someone to talk to about it. It was a very nice gesture and I watered my face for a few minutes after she left. Is that a better way to say that I cried? It's not that I want anything to grow on my face but saying that I cried makes me feel like I'm searching for sympathy.
I avoided going over to the main office today. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really only saw the few people in my department and another co-worker that I went bowling with. I think that's going to be a good therapy for me, especially when I win. We were supposed to have a bowling party at work. I cancelled it when I heard that the doctor's couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't know why I was so concerned about dealing with that at the time, but it was nice that it was something I could take care of cancelling pretty quickly. One less thing to worry about. I rescheduled the event for May 12th, which is my birthday. I almost feel like I'm tricking everyone into attending a birthday party for me. Today felt really overwhelming. I almost feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In addition to mourning I found out today that I don't have PTO to cover the time I took off last week and there is no bereavement policy at work. Although taking unpaid time off isn't going to be very fun, we'll get through it and I wouldn't have changed things had I known before hand. In addition we have more court fun in CA, even though I'm not concerned about the outcome it still is stressful. It feels like God has been testing me and is showing me how much I can handle. I hope to come out of this a better person.
Love,
Dad
Today I went back to work. I thought it would be easier than it was. Yesterday was fairly ho hum. We said goodbye to Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don. Your mom was in quite a bit of pain, which had me pretty concerned. We took it easy the whole day and I'm not even sure if I left the house. That's pretty sad isn't it? I can't really remember what I did. I must have gone somewhere though, I'm pretty sure I moved my truck from the driveway to street parking so that Grandma Sherri would be able to park her car in the driveway. Maybe I did that on Sunday...
This morning I felt fine as I went to work. I didn't sleep very well last night, but what else is new? I was walking from the parking lot to the office building I was stopped by a co-worker. I haven't had too many conversations with him since I started work there but he told me how sorry he was to hear the news and I could hear him getting a little choked up about it. Grief can be a funny thing. My grief is for the daughter I lost and the amount of pain that I see my wife going through. I also grieve for family and friends that are so affected by the news. The co-worker this morning was experiencing grief and I wonder where a lot of it was coming from. Was he sharing in my grief? Had he lost a child somewhere along the way? Did he imagine what it would be like if he lost a child?
I walked up to my office and said hi to my manager. I could feel the tears coming as she expressed her sympathy for your mom and I. I didn't do a very good job at holding them back. I think Monday was the first day I didn't break down at some point. The same cannot be said about today. I don't consider myself as going backwards or losing progress though. Sometimes in life things are 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it can even be no steps forward and a few steps back. It doesn't mean you aren't making progress in the overall scheme of things. Another of my co-workers stopped in and dropped off a card. She has been through a similiar experience and offered an ear if your mom and I wanted someone to talk to about it. It was a very nice gesture and I watered my face for a few minutes after she left. Is that a better way to say that I cried? It's not that I want anything to grow on my face but saying that I cried makes me feel like I'm searching for sympathy.
I avoided going over to the main office today. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really only saw the few people in my department and another co-worker that I went bowling with. I think that's going to be a good therapy for me, especially when I win. We were supposed to have a bowling party at work. I cancelled it when I heard that the doctor's couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't know why I was so concerned about dealing with that at the time, but it was nice that it was something I could take care of cancelling pretty quickly. One less thing to worry about. I rescheduled the event for May 12th, which is my birthday. I almost feel like I'm tricking everyone into attending a birthday party for me. Today felt really overwhelming. I almost feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In addition to mourning I found out today that I don't have PTO to cover the time I took off last week and there is no bereavement policy at work. Although taking unpaid time off isn't going to be very fun, we'll get through it and I wouldn't have changed things had I known before hand. In addition we have more court fun in CA, even though I'm not concerned about the outcome it still is stressful. It feels like God has been testing me and is showing me how much I can handle. I hope to come out of this a better person.
Love,
Dad
Sunday, April 24, 2011
1 week...
Dear Sawyer,
I can't believe a week ago we had just gotten home from the hospital. This week seems really really long, yet it also seems that last Sunday was only yesterday. We went to your grave today. I didn't know if there were any flowers on it but I wanted to make sure there were. Your mom and I went after church. Church... that was pretty hard today. The bishop asked me before hand if it was OK to announce your passing. I told him it would be and let Stephanie know what to expect. Bro. Anderson was the one making the announcements and choked up a bit. It is amazing to see how many people you have touched in your short life. Even if it was just a reminder how much he would miss his kids if they were gone.
When we got to the cemetary I was relieved to see that there were flowers covering your grave, and that everything looked in place. Your mom and I stood there holding each other, crying. It's still so hard to believe you are gone. Are we still in shock? Denial? They say that grief follows different stages and that you progress through them. I don't think that's the case. It seems like you can jump back and forth between denial and grief, maybe even experiencing them at the same time. I haven't really felt anger though, and I think that is a really good thing. I'm surprised that I am not angry at the driver that hit your mom. I am not angry at the doctor's who would have seen something if they had done more ultrasounds to measure your growth. I hope it doesn't come.
Tomorrow we are going to speak with a lawyer. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand insurance is there to cover a loss. The funeral was expensive and there isn't enough money in the world to make this grief worth it. On the other hand, since I'm not angry, I'm not looking to punish anyone. Maybe it would be easier if I was angry.
Your Uncle Kevin and Aunt Lindsey left today. It was nice having them around. Tomorrow your Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don are leaving. Almost time to return to real life. Are we really returning to real life though?
I can't believe a week ago we had just gotten home from the hospital. This week seems really really long, yet it also seems that last Sunday was only yesterday. We went to your grave today. I didn't know if there were any flowers on it but I wanted to make sure there were. Your mom and I went after church. Church... that was pretty hard today. The bishop asked me before hand if it was OK to announce your passing. I told him it would be and let Stephanie know what to expect. Bro. Anderson was the one making the announcements and choked up a bit. It is amazing to see how many people you have touched in your short life. Even if it was just a reminder how much he would miss his kids if they were gone.
When we got to the cemetary I was relieved to see that there were flowers covering your grave, and that everything looked in place. Your mom and I stood there holding each other, crying. It's still so hard to believe you are gone. Are we still in shock? Denial? They say that grief follows different stages and that you progress through them. I don't think that's the case. It seems like you can jump back and forth between denial and grief, maybe even experiencing them at the same time. I haven't really felt anger though, and I think that is a really good thing. I'm surprised that I am not angry at the driver that hit your mom. I am not angry at the doctor's who would have seen something if they had done more ultrasounds to measure your growth. I hope it doesn't come.
Tomorrow we are going to speak with a lawyer. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand insurance is there to cover a loss. The funeral was expensive and there isn't enough money in the world to make this grief worth it. On the other hand, since I'm not angry, I'm not looking to punish anyone. Maybe it would be easier if I was angry.
Your Uncle Kevin and Aunt Lindsey left today. It was nice having them around. Tomorrow your Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don are leaving. Almost time to return to real life. Are we really returning to real life though?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Is it Saturday already?
Dear Sawyer,
I am having a hard time believing it is already Saturday. One week ago I was in the hospital all day with your mother waiting to see you. She was doing a lot more work than I was though. Another day of distraction, another day of breaking down when I am alone. We went to the Nelson's today. It was nice to be around so many people. I wish I would have gone down to your grave today. I should have. I think I will after church tomorrow if your mom is up for it. We have some flowers here that I'd like to bring to you. I hope that Monday we can go in and order your headstone.
Today was your sister's birthday. A teenager now... I didn't get to talk to her though, but I was really hoping too.
Love,
Dad
I am having a hard time believing it is already Saturday. One week ago I was in the hospital all day with your mother waiting to see you. She was doing a lot more work than I was though. Another day of distraction, another day of breaking down when I am alone. We went to the Nelson's today. It was nice to be around so many people. I wish I would have gone down to your grave today. I should have. I think I will after church tomorrow if your mom is up for it. We have some flowers here that I'd like to bring to you. I hope that Monday we can go in and order your headstone.
Today was your sister's birthday. A teenager now... I didn't get to talk to her though, but I was really hoping too.
Love,
Dad
Friday, April 22, 2011
The day after....
Dear Sawyer,
I am worried. I am worried that we are not feeling how intense the pain of losing you will actually be. When the family goes home and we are going back to our lives what will happen when we feel the void of your passing? We had a course, we were getting ready for you. Now we need to adapt... How are we going to do that? Today went pretty good, but I think it was only because we are still surrounded by family. In the morning Grandma Sherri and I went to the funeral home to finish paying for the service. I'm glad she was able to help or I don't know how we would have paid for it. Grandpa Keith came over later and we moved some stuff to storage. Your crib, stroller, car seat, and other things are all there and I hadn't seen them since I left for California. I got so sad seeing them there, not knowing what we would do with any of it. If all you get are brothers I don't know that they would like being in a pink stroller.
I thought about you the whole day. I need to be careful. I feel a strong desire to protect you and you are not here with us. At times I've thought that I need to just go to your grave and sit there making sure you rest peacefully. If I think about that too much it will probably drive me crazy. I want to go and see you tomorrow. I want to know that everything is in place and not disturbed. I want to lay some pretty flowers above your grave. If anyone is visiting people at the cemetary I want them to know how much you are loved and that someone is visiting you and looking after you.
In the afternoon a whole bunch of us went bowling. It was a nice distraction and I did pretty well averaging 134 for three games. My 3 highest scores were the highest out of the 6 that bowled. This evening we all sat around watching old music videos on you tube. When we got bored of that we pulled up funny videos and spent another hour watching them. It really just seems that all this distraction is doing is postponing the heavy sorrow that will eventually come.
I am worried. I am worried that we are not feeling how intense the pain of losing you will actually be. When the family goes home and we are going back to our lives what will happen when we feel the void of your passing? We had a course, we were getting ready for you. Now we need to adapt... How are we going to do that? Today went pretty good, but I think it was only because we are still surrounded by family. In the morning Grandma Sherri and I went to the funeral home to finish paying for the service. I'm glad she was able to help or I don't know how we would have paid for it. Grandpa Keith came over later and we moved some stuff to storage. Your crib, stroller, car seat, and other things are all there and I hadn't seen them since I left for California. I got so sad seeing them there, not knowing what we would do with any of it. If all you get are brothers I don't know that they would like being in a pink stroller.
I thought about you the whole day. I need to be careful. I feel a strong desire to protect you and you are not here with us. At times I've thought that I need to just go to your grave and sit there making sure you rest peacefully. If I think about that too much it will probably drive me crazy. I want to go and see you tomorrow. I want to know that everything is in place and not disturbed. I want to lay some pretty flowers above your grave. If anyone is visiting people at the cemetary I want them to know how much you are loved and that someone is visiting you and looking after you.
In the afternoon a whole bunch of us went bowling. It was a nice distraction and I did pretty well averaging 134 for three games. My 3 highest scores were the highest out of the 6 that bowled. This evening we all sat around watching old music videos on you tube. When we got bored of that we pulled up funny videos and spent another hour watching them. It really just seems that all this distraction is doing is postponing the heavy sorrow that will eventually come.
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