Dear Sawyer,
Today has been a pretty hard day. The last week wasn't too bad, although the week before was. The last week was probably as bad as it's been emotionally. I felt like I was a complete wreck at work, although I tried to not let it show. We got the pictures that were taken at the hospital. I am glad that we have them. They are very sad, but comforting that I will never forget what you looked like on the day we saw you.
We went to LA this weekend to see your brother and sister. It was a hard trip for your mom and I. This would have been the first trip we would have probably taken you on. Driving back today was a big reminder of how I feel I'm a failure as a father, sometimes I feel like maybe that's why you were taken away. Maybe I'll never get the chance to be a real father. I don't see your brother and sister as much as I wish I could. I spent Father's day driving away from them and without you. I didn't hear "Happy Father's Day" from your brother or sister. I think those were the only two I really wanted to hear it from. I am glad that nobody else has really said anything, there's really nothing happy about it at all.
Scott
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Dear Sawyer,
I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place. We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut. I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.
We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.
The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.
In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.
Love, Dad
I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place. We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut. I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.
We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.
The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.
In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.
Love, Dad
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