Dear Sawyer,
I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place. We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut. I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.
We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.
The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.
In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.
Love, Dad
Ahh, this makes me so sad for you. I do come in here and read this often just to see how you are doing.
ReplyDeleteBelieve or not I can feel your pain.
Our family lost twin baby girls when they were 6 months old. They never left the hospital. My grand babies impacted my life like no other could. It was in 2004 and a long, long sad but amazing journey.So much more than I can go into here or more than you could even guess.
There are not many days that go by that I don't think of them. I know the ebb and flow of the tide, I understand. When people say just give it time, they really don't understand, its something that no one can know unless they have experienced it. I do know one thing for certain I saw amazing things happen because of our two babies and I saw peoples lives touched and changed in ways that would have never happened had they not been here. I didn't understand it then but I know now that they had a reason and purpose for being here, even if it was for a short time. Sawyer had a reason and a purpose, you may not understand or see it all now but trust me you will. It will never ease the loss of her but it will be easier to go on. Someday we will talk and I will tell you a very amazing story, and maybe it some small way it maybe able to help you. Take to both of you
Debbie G