The hardest day so far...

Dear Sawyer,

I don't know what it was about today but I think it's been the hardest so far since your passing. I was on my way to work this morning and heard a song called "Here Without You." I realize that the person who wrote the song did so with a diffferent context but the chorus really got to me.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I cried pretty much the whole way to work, the chorus constantly playing in my mind. I got to work, wiped away the tears and tried to make it quickly to my office.  I got to my office and they started flowing again. I'm glad I have some privacy...

I had a nice lunch break with a friend, which helped provide a distraction. When I got back from lunch I listened to the song again and then listened to the song from your funeral, the first time I have done that since then. I was a wreck. I couldn't concentrate very well, except on you. I thought about holding you, putting you in your car seat, placing your small casket in the grave. These memories are constantly playing in my mind. I want to keep remembering them because I never want to forget them. I don't want your memory to fade. I almost wish that these moments were on video so that if I ever felt like I was forgetting something I could go back and watch it. Not that I'm worried that I'll forget about you. There will never be a day in my life that someone will have to remind me that I had a daughter named Sawyer, that she was a beautiful girl with red hair, her mother's mouth, nose, and attached ear lobes.

Sometimes in my dreams I picture you. You are almost always an adult and the dreams are so vivid that if you were standing in a crowd I could pick you out. There are other times when I see you as a small child, running, laughing. I wish I knew what your laugh sounded like. I wish that when I imagine your smile that it was because I know what it looks like. I wish just once I would be able to hear you tell me that you love me.

C.S. Lewis once said "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." I wish I could say that he was wrong, but it's true. I know I'm afraid of this happening to our next child. I am afraid that if we lose another one that I wouldn't have the strength to try a third time. I'm afraid that I am going to lose other family members. I think if I was honest with myself I would question why you were taken from us. We did everything that we could do to make sure you were going to be healthy. Why did God choose you? I've seen so many parents take their children for granted, or show a lack of concern for their well being. Why is it my baby that I lose?

Love,

Dad