Back to work....

Dear Sawyer,

Today I went back to work.  I thought it would be easier than it was. Yesterday was fairly ho hum. We said goodbye to Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don. Your mom was in quite a bit of pain, which had me pretty concerned.  We took it easy the whole day and I'm not even sure if I left the house.  That's pretty sad isn't it?  I can't really remember what I did. I must have gone somewhere though, I'm pretty sure I moved my truck from the driveway to street parking so that Grandma Sherri would be able to park her car in the driveway. Maybe I did that on Sunday...

This morning I felt fine as I went to work.  I didn't sleep very well last night, but what else is new? I was walking from the parking lot to the office building I was stopped by a co-worker. I haven't had too many conversations with him since I started work there but he told me how sorry he was to hear the news and I could hear him getting a little choked up about it. Grief can be a funny thing. My grief is for the daughter I lost and the amount of pain that I see my wife going through. I also grieve for family and friends that are so affected by the news. The co-worker this morning was experiencing grief and I wonder where a lot of it was coming from. Was he sharing in my grief? Had he lost a child somewhere along the way? Did he imagine what it would be like if he lost a child?

I walked up to my office and said hi to my manager. I could feel the tears coming as she expressed her sympathy for your mom and I. I didn't do a very good job at holding them back. I think Monday was the first day I didn't break down at some point. The same cannot be said about today. I don't consider myself as going backwards or losing progress though. Sometimes in life things are 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it can even be no steps forward and a few steps back. It doesn't mean you aren't making progress in the overall scheme of things. Another of my co-workers stopped in and dropped off a card. She has been through a similiar experience and offered an ear if your mom and I wanted someone to talk to about it. It was a very nice gesture and I watered my face for a few minutes after she left.  Is that a better way to say that I cried?  It's not that I want anything to grow on my face but saying that I cried makes me feel like I'm searching for sympathy.

I avoided going over to the main office today. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really only saw the few people in my department and another co-worker that I went bowling with. I think that's going to be a good therapy for me, especially when I win. We were supposed to have a bowling party at work. I cancelled it when I heard that the doctor's couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't know why I was so concerned about dealing with that at the time, but it was nice that it was something I could take care of cancelling pretty quickly. One less thing to worry about. I rescheduled the event for May 12th, which is my birthday. I almost feel like I'm tricking everyone into attending a birthday party for me. Today felt really overwhelming. I almost feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In addition to mourning I found out today that I don't have PTO to cover the time I took off last week and there is no bereavement policy at work.  Although taking unpaid time off isn't going to be very fun, we'll get through it and I wouldn't have changed things had I known before hand.  In addition we have more court fun in CA, even though I'm not concerned about the outcome it still is stressful. It feels like God has been testing me and is showing me how much I can handle.  I hope to come out of this a better person.

Love,

Dad