Wednesday... blah.... it is Wednesday right?

Dear Sawyer,

I don't know why it is so hard to keep track of what day it is. I was off on Monday, today is my 2nd day back at work so it would be Wednesday. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday I'm sure I'll be trying to adjust to my new life for quite a while. I took a lunch break today, I just needed to get out for awhile. I still haven't ventured over to the main office.... maybe tomorrow.  I rescheduled the work bowling for May 12th although it seems like most people won't be able to make it. I don't know really what to say about today. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I usually do pretty good but have moments of intense saddness. I think about you a lot.

I replay the conversation I had with your mom all the time. She had called from the hospital, we were worried but weren't sure about anything. I was in California sitting in my rental car at the hotel. I hadn't checked in because I was waiting to hear. She said, "It's not good, they couldn't find a heartbeat." We only talked for a minute or two, I don't think I could have kept it together for any longer. I called your Grandma Sherri and told her, "We lost her, we lost Sawyer." I was a wreck, and alone. She did a good job of getting me calm as I had started to hyperventilate. If I wasn't on the phone with her I don't know what would have happened.

Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Various scenes from the days that followed the horrible news play in my head. Part of me wants them out, part of me wants to never forget them. My time with you was so short, filled with such extreme emotion. If I were to cut out what was really painful then I'd lose a lot of what we experienced. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around things, memories, being both terribly sad and happy at the same time. Holding you for the time I did was so sad, knowing that it would be the first and only time I held you on this Earth, but I was also happy that I had the chance to hold you and how beautiful you are. Sometimes I feel a wave of comfort coming over me and I can't help but wonder and hope that it is you that is doing the comforting.

I was at a stop light today coming home from work and the sadness really struck. It can be a fairly long light and gave me a lot of time to let my mind wander... "They couldn't find a heartbeat", "We lost her" kept playing over and over in my mind. Lowering your casket in the grave, holding your mother as she wept. So much came through in such a short period of time. Then later in the evening I was laying down for a quick nap. I heard your mother start to play the piano. It's been a couple weeks since she had and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard. I went out to watch her play and the sadness struck again. thinking how much she played Fur Elise while you were in her belly.  I often thought as she played that you would someday be comforted by that song, since you've heard it so much.

I miss you.

Love,

Dad