Funeral....

Dear Sawyer,

Wow, today was a tough day. Tough, but good. Really this whole week has been such a blur I had a hard time remembering what day of the week it was. Not only the day of the week, but the date, and what we were doing today. Grandma Sherri and I went to the post office in the morning to pickup the card that Kaiden sent you and the necklace/bracelet that Kelsey had made for you. I was really nervous that it wouldn't be in.... I know that your brother and sister would have been so disappointed if that didn't show up. When the clerk at the post office went to go get it out of the back she told me that I needed to show her ID. I was so out of it this morning that I didn't have it with me. Luckily she asked me who I talked to at the post office to hold my mail. For some reason I remembered his name. I'm horrible at names! Grandma Sherri opened it and took a look. Kelsey did such a great job on the necklace and bracelet.  She made one for herself that looks exactly the same. She wore it all day today and is going to wear it every year at least.

Family started showing up through out the day. A bunch of your great Uncles, and Aunt drove over from Spokane just for the day. I was touched that people drove 12 hours to spend a couple hours with us. I made a shadow box for the Nelsons. It had the foot prints I made out of the sand and resin in it as well as the memorial card I made, some seashells, a couple of Agates that grandma Sherri had found and I printed out the poem called "Foot Prints".  Kathrina seemed really touched by it when I gave it to her.

We ordered a few pizzas from Jimmys and everyone sat around and talked. It was nice to see so much family around, our house was completely full. It was a good distraction and kept my mind occupied. I had picked up a pink tie to wear, and first thought that this was the only day I'd wear it.  Now I think I'll wear it every Sunday.  I've thought about having Grandma Sherri embroider your name on it.

The funeral was beautiful. I carried you from the car and placed you at the grave site, the last time I'd be able to hold you in this life. Your Grandma Jackie ordered some beautiful flowers which were placed on your coffin. It was hard standing there, knowing you were inside, knowing all the things we wouldn't get to experience together. I had been so excited to teach you everything I know. To take you bowling, to teach you how to fly our stunt kites, to teach you how to fish, and to work on cars. Instead I was there, staring at your final resting place. Austin, the funeral director, was there and told me that I would get to lower you into the ground. It brought peace and pain at the same time. I'm glad that I was going to be the one to do it, but very sad that it was being done.

When all of our family and close friends had shown up we started the service. Grandpa Keith dedicated your grave. Once that was done I went over and picked you up and held you while Austin removed the covering to your grave. He jumped into the ground, suit and all, and I handed him to you. I stood there and cried, not caring that anyone was around. For that moment it was just you and me. Once you had been lowered they started playing the song a Child's Prayer. I'll probably listen to it every day for awhile.  Even if I didn't play it I would still hear it. As I stood to the side all of the people who were attending walked past and put a daisy in the grave for you. I walked over to your mom to hold her as we watched everyone express their love for you. Once everyone had placed a daisy your mom and I walked over and each placed a daisy in the grave. She broke down and we held each other, saying goodbye to our beautiful daughter.

After the daisies I called your sister and brother. They wanted to release some balloons at the same time as we were. Kelsey and I counted down to 1 and we released 11 pink balloons and 1 white one in Washington and a couple it's a girl balloons in California. It was nice that the kids wanted to be a part of the service. I think our next trip in May is going to be pretty somber.

You were born on Sunday the 17th at 3:18PM. We finished your services on Thursday the 21st at 3:18PM.

After the service we went to the church for a dinner. It was nice to be able to sit down and talk to our family and friends. For being after a funeral the mood was pretty good.  I'm glad for that. While we spend time mourning and grieving for you and our loss, we have both been pretty good at functioning through out the day. Sometimes I feel guilty. If someone tells a funny joke and I laugh, or if I decide to joke about something. But that's healthy right? To be able to live a some what normal life while in mourning? Is it going to be this way in another week? When the family goes home and people aren't here every day are things going to change? When we found out that your mom was pregnant with you we were so excited, but at the same time it didn't feel real. Not until we had bought clothes, brought in furniture, and felt you move did it start feeling real. Now it's sort of the same thing except excitement is sorrow. Sometimes it doesn't feel real that you are gone.