First week of work...

Dear Sawyer,

Well, my first week back at work down. Things went ok, better than I had expected. I was able to concentrate on my work for the most part, although anytime I had a break things were hard. Everyone at work has been really great. I appreciate feeling their support and concern. It's nice to know that people care about you. I had to go over to the main office today which gave me a chance to see everyone else that I hadn't seen yet.

I miss your mom being pregnant. I miss how she would feel her belly and smile when you started moving around. I miss being excited to go shopping for clothes for you. I really tried to balance out your outfits to have a lot of "pro daddy" clothes. Onsies and shirts that said things about you being daddy's princess and things like that. To be honest I was nervous having a girl. I know that I can be really protective, and I would hate to spend my life on blood pressure medicine because I worried about you too much. But now that your gone, I really hope our next one is a girl. We've talked about naming our next child to have Sawyer as a middle name. Would you be ok with that? I think it would be a nice connection that they could have with the sister they won't get to know for awhile.

I am worried about whether or not we will be able to have another child. I know how disappointed your mom would be if she never had one of her own. I would be really disappointed as well. I wonder how that will change things? Yesterday we went to Red Robin for dinner. Directly in my field of view was a small girl, probably 6 months old or so. I noticed that she didn't have much more hair than you had. Seeing her reminded me of you. If we have another girl would I constantly be reminded of you? Or would it help? After we have another baby will I still get sad when I see a baby?

I think one of the worst parts of grieving and going through something like this is feeling guilty when you laugh, guilty when you smile, guilty when you are not thinking about the recent loss. I feel guilty that it hasn't even been two weeks but I feel pretty good. I wonder if it is my faith and belief that we will be together again that is making this easier. When people ask how we are doing I usually say something like, "pretty good considering..."  I let them draw their own conclusions as to what that means. I consider myself someone who is compassionate about other people, I don't want people to think that I should be mourning more.  Maybe I should stop worrying about what other people think.

In some ways you are the third child I have lost. While I still get to see Kelsey and Kaiden every month the visits are short and I don't feel like I have the benefits or experiences that a father should have with their children. I've had to come to terms with losing them in that capacity, maybe that's helping me deal with this loss as well. I do hope that as they get older that our relationship will get closer.

I wonder what life is going to be like for us a year from now. I should finally be out of school, I'm sure your mom will be pregnant by then. Maybe we'll be in a house with horses. I know that I will still be thinking about you, that I will still miss you, and I will still look forward to when we are together again.

Love,

Dad