Dear Sawyer,
I am worried. I am worried that we are not feeling how intense the pain of losing you will actually be. When the family goes home and we are going back to our lives what will happen when we feel the void of your passing? We had a course, we were getting ready for you. Now we need to adapt... How are we going to do that? Today went pretty good, but I think it was only because we are still surrounded by family. In the morning Grandma Sherri and I went to the funeral home to finish paying for the service. I'm glad she was able to help or I don't know how we would have paid for it. Grandpa Keith came over later and we moved some stuff to storage. Your crib, stroller, car seat, and other things are all there and I hadn't seen them since I left for California. I got so sad seeing them there, not knowing what we would do with any of it. If all you get are brothers I don't know that they would like being in a pink stroller.
I thought about you the whole day. I need to be careful. I feel a strong desire to protect you and you are not here with us. At times I've thought that I need to just go to your grave and sit there making sure you rest peacefully. If I think about that too much it will probably drive me crazy. I want to go and see you tomorrow. I want to know that everything is in place and not disturbed. I want to lay some pretty flowers above your grave. If anyone is visiting people at the cemetary I want them to know how much you are loved and that someone is visiting you and looking after you.
In the afternoon a whole bunch of us went bowling. It was a nice distraction and I did pretty well averaging 134 for three games. My 3 highest scores were the highest out of the 6 that bowled. This evening we all sat around watching old music videos on you tube. When we got bored of that we pulled up funny videos and spent another hour watching them. It really just seems that all this distraction is doing is postponing the heavy sorrow that will eventually come.
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