Our Beautiful girl

On Wednesday of last week we went into our midwife appointment. Stephanie was due on May 7th and we were having one of our final appointments. We were nervous, scared, excited. We had been making so many preparations. Stephanie had been amazing at taking her prenatal's everyday. She stopped drinking caffeine, even when the temptation got really high. If you knew Stephanie you would know how hard this would be for her. The appointment on Wednesday went ok. The low blood pressure was a little elevated, but still within normal range. We got to hear our baby's heartbeat. I wish I would have been able to listen longer. On Friday I flew down to go see my kids in San Bernardino. It was an early morning flight and I arrived at 8:30. Stephanie had not been feeling the baby move and was planning on going into the midwife that morning. Having arrived too early to check into my hotel, and wanting to get my mind off of being so nervous I went and bowled a few games at the local bowling alley. I bowled my highest game ever, a 185, which helped my mood a bit. At about 11 o'clock I went to the hotel. I was thinking that I needed to head back to the airport and get the next flight home, but since Stephanie was going to the midwife at 11:30 I thought I'd wait. I was hoping that it was just a false alarm.. I didn't check into the hotel, I sat in the parking lot and anxiously waited to hear back from Stephanie. The first call I got from Stephanie was while she was at the mid wife. She was unable to find a heartbeat and so they were transferring her to the hospital for an ultrasound.

Another 45 minutes of waiting or so and I got the word. There was no heartbeat. Our sweet little angel was with her Father in Heaven and it would be a lifetime before we would be able to talk to her, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. On the selfish side I mourned the loss of being able to give her a name and a blessing. I would not be able to baptize her, or see her married. My heart broke for Stephanie. She was so excited to have a precious little girl. She had been completely selfless while she carried Sawyer, doing everything she could to make sure that we had a healthy baby. I mourned for the loss my children felt. They were so excited to have a new baby sister that they could hold and love.

Labor was long, Stephanie was induced at about 2 in the morning on Saturday. We had great nurses at Providence. Yvonne was our nurse in the evening and Sue was the nurse during the day. Dr. Nathan was the first doctor Steph saw, although it was Dr. McGraff that was there for most of the labor. We were surrounded by our families and could feel the love and support from our friends.

Stephanie was so strong, much stronger than I think I could have been. I cannot imagine the pain of labor being mixed with the pain of knowing that you'd never hear your baby cry.

On Saturday things continued to progress, although very slowly. I don't know how I could have made it without being surrounded by family. We made arrangements to have a photographer come in and take some pictures of us with Sawyer after she was delivered. If you are unaware of the organization it is called "Now I lay me down to sleep". http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ Their work is amazing and we are looking forward to seeing the pictures.

The hardest part of the whole day was starting to plan the funeral. I feel so grateful that my friend, Austin, was able to come and help make the arrangements. I can't imagine having to make the arrangements with someone I didn't know.

Saturday night was the same. Stephanie was doing great managing the pain and breathing through the contractions. Our family was great at knowing when to be in the room and when to wait out in the lobby. We were able to sleep some that night, which is probably more than they got trying to sleep in the chairs in the lobby.

On Sunday things started progressing more quickly. Because Stephanie's blood pressure had been high we needed to have some blood work done before she could have an epidural. We decided about noon that we needed to start the lab work that would take about an hour. It's a good thing too, if we had waited too much longer Stephanie would not have been able to get an epidural at all.

That afternoon we finally got to see our angel. She was 4lbs 5 ozs and 17.5 inches long. She had beautiful red hair like her mother. She had her mom's nose and mouth and definitely her ears. I was able to cut the cord.

We spent the afternoon holding her, talking to her, and crying. After some time with just us we let family come in and get to say their hello's, and their goodbye's. It was a beautiful afternoon, one I will remember forever. I am glad that I was able to spend time with her, to feel her body next to mine and to be able to kiss her forehead. The photographer came in and spent time with us, taking pictures with different family members. I had actually found out about this organization a few months before hand, which helped make it so much easier to make the decision to have them come in. I had read an article about old Victorian photographs that people would take when a loved one passed. This article talked about the foundation and I was able to see the beautiful work that they were able to do.

Around 7:30 we said our last goodbye's. I was able to walk her down with my brother Brian and Austin. I had one opportunity to tuck her safely into a car seat and she was taken to the funeral home. I wish I had the strength and ability to hold her until it was time for the funeral.