It's really hard keeping track of what day it is. I can't believe it is already Tuesday. Maybe it's been because I've tried to keep myself busy and distracted. There are so many things to do. I had to call my work, had to call Stephanie's work, had to call the insurance company, where is she going to be buried, when will the service be, what will we do for it? Is that it? The list doesn't seem very long but it sure seems like I've done more. I feel like I've been fairly strong when around others, but I easily break down when I'm alone. We still have the dresser and changing table in our room, the cute little outfits we have bought are still delicately laid in the drawers. What do we do with all of the clothes? They are hers. The idea of giving them away makes me nauseous. What if we don't get the opportunity to have another girl? What are we going to do with a pink stroller, car seat, and play yard? Clothes... we have so many clothes. My mom embroidered Sawyer's name on some of them. Those are hers. I'd never give them away, but is it really healthy to hold onto them forever?
What is healthy behaviour when you lose a child? As we were making burial arrangements I initially felt very strongly about having her buried in Arlington. Arlington is way too expensive... Plus I would be too tempted to drive by every day after work. Would that be healthy? She will be laid to rest on Thursday in Snohomish. It's a good distance away, about 30 minutes to get there. It's not on my way to work. I think I'm OK with that, although I don't really have a choice now. We made the arrangements today. We visited the cemetary and picked out where she will be buried. It's in the middle of 6 other plots. I think we are going to buy all 6 and have a Keith plot. I never thought I'd be making these arrangements, but everyone should. Now... It's not pleasant to think about, but it's a lot harder when you have to make so many other arrangements. I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife were able to come with us today.
After making the arrangements I got home and was so exhausted. I had an e-mail that we had a delivery, the last thing that I was expecting of hers. I had ordered a mattress last week. We spent a good amount to get her the best mattress we possibly could. I wanted her to be healthy, I wanted to do whatever I could to reduce the chances of SIDS. The mattress was waiting for us on our front door step when we came back. I thought of her, of course I have been thinking about her constantly, but this just felt different. I closed my eyes and thought of how I would have laid her to sleep every night on the mattress I was holding. I would have picked her up when she cried at night.
I do have one big regret. I wish I would have talked to her more. I wish I would have sung to her. My fondest memory of when Kelsey and Kaiden were little was singing them to sleep. Their favorite song (or maybe it was just mine) was "A Child's Prayer"
Child:
Heavenly Father, are you really there?
and do you hear and answer every child's prayer.
Some say that Heaven is far away,
but i feel it close around me as i pray.
Heavenly Father, i remember now,
something that Jesus told Disciples long ago.
Suffer the children to come to me,
Father in prayer i'm coming now to thee.
Mother/Father:
Pray, He is there.
Speak, He is listening.
You are his child,
his love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayer,
He loves the children,
of such is the Kingdom,
the Kingdom of Heav'n
The song is traditionally sung with a child and an adult. When I would sing it to the kids I'd always just deepen my voice for the second part. I looked forward to holding Sawyer at night and singing this song to her, probably the one of the things I looked forward to the most.
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