1 week...

Dear Sawyer,


I can't believe a week ago we had just gotten home from the hospital. This week seems really really long, yet it also seems that last Sunday was only yesterday. We went to your grave today. I didn't know if there were any flowers on it but I wanted to make sure there were. Your mom and I went after church. Church... that was pretty hard today. The bishop asked me before hand if it was OK to announce your passing.  I told him it would be and let Stephanie know what to expect. Bro. Anderson was the one making the announcements and choked up a bit. It is amazing to see how many people you have touched in your short life. Even if it was just a reminder how much he would miss his kids if they were gone.

When we got to the cemetary I was relieved to see that there were flowers covering your grave, and that everything looked in place. Your mom and I stood there holding each other, crying. It's still so hard to believe you are gone. Are we still in shock? Denial? They say that grief follows different stages and that you progress through them. I don't think that's the case. It seems like you can jump back and forth between denial and grief, maybe even experiencing them at the same time. I haven't really felt anger though, and I think that is a really good thing. I'm surprised that I am not angry at the driver that hit your mom. I am not angry at the doctor's who would have seen something if they had done more ultrasounds to measure your growth. I hope it doesn't come.

Tomorrow we are going to speak with a lawyer. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand insurance is there to cover a loss. The funeral was expensive and there isn't enough money in the world to make this grief worth it. On the other hand, since I'm not angry, I'm not looking to punish anyone. Maybe it would be easier if I was angry.

Your Uncle Kevin and Aunt Lindsey left today. It was nice having them around. Tomorrow your Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don are leaving. Almost time to return to real life. Are we really returning to real life though?