Holidays....

Dear Sawyer,

A couple of days ago we celebrated Thanksgiving with family. I wish you were there. I know this holiday season will be pretty difficult. For Halloween we bought 2 regular size pumpkins and one small pumpkin for you. We didn't carve it though. I think buying you a pumpkin every year will become a tradition, it is one of our favorite holidays.

Thanksgiving was difficult. Your mom hasn't been feeling well and being around family is hard. Sometimes I still want to just be with your mom and not really anyone else. I don't know how I will handle Christmas. We are going back over to Spokane, but there will be a huge something missing. I'd like to get an ornament for you, at least for this year.

Today we stopped by on our way home. It had been raining really hard but right before we got to Snohomish the rain stopped and we had a glimpse of blue sky. We cleaned the leaves off your headstone and placed some flowers.

Your mom is 12 weeks along now. We heard the heartbeat last week and had an ultrasound. Everything looks great and we got a video. I can't wait to find out if you are having a brother or sister.

Hardest day in awhile...

Dear Sawyer,

It's been almost 7 months. If you were here we'd probably be spending a lot of time playing peek-a-boo. I know I haven't written in awhile, although I talk to you pretty much every day still. I've gone over things to write, but haven't. Today I had to write, it's been tough.

Your aunt Jamie delivered a healthy boy today, your cousin Fritz. There've been so many mixed emotions. I'm glad that they had a pregnancy free from complications, I don't want anyone to go through what your mother and I did. I was pretty nervous while Jamie was pregnant. If things didn't go well it would have been devastating for so many people, including your mom. I think if she did have problems I wouldn't have wanted to try again. Your mom has been with Jamie for most of the day, I'm glad she was able to go and I hope that it is healing for her. I'm sure she'll be there for a few days. I've also been really sad. It's brought back a lot of the feelings of that day, of losing you. Your mom is pregnant and I think that's gotten me on edge a little as well. I'm excited, but I don't know that it's fully sunk in. When I found out I went out and bought a fetal doppler, just like they use in the hospital. Now I'll be able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want to.

I wish you were here.

Love,

Dad

4 months....

Dear Sawyer,

It's almost been 4 months now. If you had been born on your due date you would have just turned 3 months old. Your mom and I would hopefully be sleeping through the night. I would know what your smile looks like. You'd probably be cooing by now and trying to make conversation with us.

Some days are still pretty hard. This weekend had a few bad moments for me. Shortly after your passing I had bought some rubber bracelets for your mom, grandmothers, and siblings. Your mom's said Mommy of an Angel. Mine says Daddy of an Angel. I hadn't been able to wear mine because it was a little too tight. I tried it this weekend and it fit comfortably. Putting it on was good, but brought a lot of the pain back. I also was able to get my wedding ring on which I haven't been able to wear for 2 years.

On Sunday a friend of mine got to bless his baby girl. I didn't think I was going to be able to sit through it but luckily the mic wasn't working so I couldn't really hear anything.  I was really jealous that he had the opportunity to do that and I didn't. Maybe someday after this life I will.

We are still working on the design for your headstone, although hopefully it will be finished soon.

I miss you,

Dad

Has it been three months already?

Dear Sawyer,

Well, I guess it's been ALMOST three months. 3 more days. It was a Sunday when we held you. I know your mom and I will be coming to see you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I've thought of so many things to write, I can't really explain why I haven't. I know that if you are in the place we believe you to be that you have heard my thoughts to you. The days have gotten marginally better than they were a couple months ago. I still have moments of overwhelming sadness. There are moments at work that I just bury my head in my hands and cry. I think sometimes I do it to myself. I'll play a song that I know will remind me of you, like the song that was played at your funeral. I think I'm doing ok, but I can envision never really getting over this. I imagine when your mom and I finally do get to welcome a baby into the world that the joy will be bitter sweet. I'm sure through out life as we experience first steps, first words, baptism, etc. we will feel joy and sorrow.  I've grown somewhat used to that already with Kelsey and Kaiden. I was not given the opportunity to baptism either of them, something I should have been able to do. A year or two ago I was able to baptize a young girl and while I felt incredibly honored and happy to do it I was very sad at the same time. I know that the 8th anniversary of your passing will be hard for me.

On a good note I have felt more motivated to better myself. I've been watching what I eat and working a lot at home. Part of me doesn't want to do anything that would prolong my life. Not that I would ever do anything to end it but I don't want to wait to see you. I know that there are a lot of things here I don't want to miss out on. Although I am anxious to see you, I know that it might be a long wait.

We ordered your headstone last week. I am very glad that we were able to. It really, really bothered me that we had not been able to do that yet.   I like the design, and can't wait until it's in.

I miss you,

Dad

Father's day....

Dear Sawyer,

Today has been a pretty hard day. The last week wasn't too bad, although the week before was. The last week was probably as bad as it's been emotionally. I felt like I was a complete wreck at work, although I tried to not let it show. We got the pictures that were taken at the hospital. I am glad that we have them. They are very sad, but comforting that I will never forget what you looked like on the day we saw you.

We went to LA this weekend to see your brother and sister. It was a hard trip for your mom and I. This would have been the first trip we would have probably taken you on. Driving back today was a big reminder of how I feel I'm a failure as a father, sometimes I feel like maybe that's why you were taken away. Maybe I'll never get the chance to be a real father. I don't see your brother and sister as much as I wish I could. I spent Father's day driving away from them and without you. I didn't hear "Happy Father's Day" from your brother or sister. I think those were the only two I really wanted to hear it from. I am glad that nobody else has really said anything, there's really nothing happy about it at all.

Scott

Dear Sawyer,

I know it's been a while since I have written. I also know that if you somehow can read this then you also know that I talk to you every day. I've tried keeping myself busy. When I'm not at work I have been doing a lot of yard work. I feel the need to make our home a better place.  We went to see you today. It was really hard for me. Up until this visit the ground around your grave still looked like it had just been over turned. Today it looked like the ground was settling and the grass was starting to come back in around where the ground had been cut.  I feel sad that we haven't been able to get your headstone yet. I hope that we will be able to soon.

We also went to church today but were only able to make it the first hour. We sat behind a family who had a little girl. I tried ignoring her, although it's hard for me. I like making kids laugh. I know your mom was having a hard time. One lady went up and started talking about how well parents know their children. It was hard for me to hear. I wish I knew more about what your personality would have been like. I wish I really knew you. I think that's one of the hardest parts about this whole thing. I looked over at your mom after the comment was made, I knew that it would effect her. When I saw her she got up and walked out into the hallway. I wonder how long it will take before we can make it through all of church.

The past few weeks I've been reflecting a lot on grief and the best way I can explain it for myself is like the tides and the ocean. There are times when it's "low tide" and I feel pretty well. Sometimes this will go on for a day or two. Other times it's like high tide. I feel overwhelmed with grief and it's hard to concentrate on the most basic of tasks. While I'm in a high or low tide there are waves that come. Sometimes I'm feeling fine and a "wave" of grief comes along. It's sort of odd when I'm working, feeling fine, and I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, The tears come for a second or two and then they just stop and I go back to work.

In a couple days it is the month mark from your due date. I wish you were here.

Love, Dad

It's been a month...

Dear Sawyer,

It's been a month and a couple days. I can't believe it's already been this long although it still seems like things just happened. I know it's been a few days since I've written. I know that you know I still think about you constantly. Your mom and I went to California this past weekend to see Kelsey and Kaiden. I know it was a really hard trip for your mom. I was concentrating on staying awake and driving. We brought some things down for Kelsey and Kaiden; a lock of your hair, some pictures, a mold of your feet, and they each got a wristband that said brother/sister of an angel. On the way back from California we stopped by your grave. It was one of the harder visits I've made. I don't like thinking that you are there. I want you in my arms even if that means not getting sleep and changing diapers. There are times when I feel an overwhelming urge to drive down there and see you although usually it's at times when I wouldn't be able too. I can not imagine ever moving away from the area, I don't think I could handle it.

Work has become a little easier. I still have sad moments where I don't feel like I can do much of anything, but it's not happening constantly. Your mom started work today and I know it's been really hard for her.

I miss you,

Dad

Saturday, I wish you were here...

Dear Sawyer,

I sure wish you were here right now. Yesterday we got a puppy. His name is Tank and he's a beautiful, big dog. Only 8 or 9 months old, so he still has lots of energy. I got him because I thought he'd help Stephanie, but I think he's helping me more. We've spent a lot of time together the last 24 hours. He gets worried when I leave, and he follows me around when I'm here. I like having him around and he's helped keep my mind off the grief. Tonight was a different story though. We went to the baptism for the daughter of one of our friends. I thought about how I was never going to be able to baptize you. I think your mom had a hard time as well. I was not able to baptize Kelsey or Kaiden, even though I really wanted to. I was really looking forward to your baptism. I was asked to say the closing prayer. I didn't hesitate when I was asked a few days ago, but hadn't thought about how it would affect me. I was close to tears when I had to say the prayer. We had just sung "I am a child of God." Well, everyone else sung, your mom and I couldn't.

I wish you could have been here for this.

Love,

Dad

The next stage...

Dear Sawyer,

I think the whole "stages" of grief theory is probably created by people who have never actually been through something like this. I think everyone handles grief differently and that it isn't always that you move from one stage to the next. I think you can sometimes be going through two of the stages at the same time. I think you can also move back and forth between "stages". 

I have noticed a difference though in the past couple days. I feel like I'm walking through molasses. I think a lot of the shock is worn off and now it's time to deal with the reality of it all. Ever since we found out that you were coming I had wanted you to wait until today to be born. I wanted to share my birthday with you. Tonight we are having a bowling party of sorts. On one hand I am excited for it, but I'd almost rather just cancel the whole thing, forget that it's my birthday and just go curl up somewhere. I feel like it would be really easy for me to just shut down right now. It would be so easy to just let the grief overcome me. I'm walking on the edge of a cliff. There are times when it is only my family, friends, or faith in God that are keeping me from going over the edge.

Dad

The hardest day so far...

Dear Sawyer,

I don't know what it was about today but I think it's been the hardest so far since your passing. I was on my way to work this morning and heard a song called "Here Without You." I realize that the person who wrote the song did so with a diffferent context but the chorus really got to me.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time

I cried pretty much the whole way to work, the chorus constantly playing in my mind. I got to work, wiped away the tears and tried to make it quickly to my office.  I got to my office and they started flowing again. I'm glad I have some privacy...

I had a nice lunch break with a friend, which helped provide a distraction. When I got back from lunch I listened to the song again and then listened to the song from your funeral, the first time I have done that since then. I was a wreck. I couldn't concentrate very well, except on you. I thought about holding you, putting you in your car seat, placing your small casket in the grave. These memories are constantly playing in my mind. I want to keep remembering them because I never want to forget them. I don't want your memory to fade. I almost wish that these moments were on video so that if I ever felt like I was forgetting something I could go back and watch it. Not that I'm worried that I'll forget about you. There will never be a day in my life that someone will have to remind me that I had a daughter named Sawyer, that she was a beautiful girl with red hair, her mother's mouth, nose, and attached ear lobes.

Sometimes in my dreams I picture you. You are almost always an adult and the dreams are so vivid that if you were standing in a crowd I could pick you out. There are other times when I see you as a small child, running, laughing. I wish I knew what your laugh sounded like. I wish that when I imagine your smile that it was because I know what it looks like. I wish just once I would be able to hear you tell me that you love me.

C.S. Lewis once said "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." I wish I could say that he was wrong, but it's true. I know I'm afraid of this happening to our next child. I am afraid that if we lose another one that I wouldn't have the strength to try a third time. I'm afraid that I am going to lose other family members. I think if I was honest with myself I would question why you were taken from us. We did everything that we could do to make sure you were going to be healthy. Why did God choose you? I've seen so many parents take their children for granted, or show a lack of concern for their well being. Why is it my baby that I lose?

Love,

Dad

Mother's Day....

Dear Stephanie,

I know I normally write to Sawyer but I felt today it was appropriate to write to you. I want you and Sawyer to know how much I truly think of you.

You are without a doubt one of the strongest people I know. I understand that sometimes you don't feel that way, but it is true. Being strong doesn't mean you won't feel sad. Being strong doesn't mean you won't cry. Somedays you might even feel like you won't be able to make it, but that doesn't mean you aren't strong.

If I was in your position I have no idea how I would make it. While we both have lost our daughter, we are not going through the same experience.  I have been a father for some years, and have been through a lot of the experiences you were looking forward to.  While I feel "robbed", it's not on the same level as I imagine you feel.

I know today has been really hard. I could see the pain in your face when the woman asked you if you were a mother this morning. I know how excited you were to have Sawyer, to finally be a mother. I even think you sometimes looked forward to changing diapers and cleaning up spit up. I'm glad that we were able to get away for a weekend, to spend time with each other. In some ways it felt like we were back to "normal" but I know for us, normal now is not what our normal was.

I look forward to continue building my life with you. We will have so many good experiences to come and I'm excited to go through them with you.

Love, Scott

The Due Date...

Dear Sawyer,

Today was the day (or there abouts) that we were supposed to welcome you into the world. May 7th.  I had hoped that you would wait until my birthday on the 12th. Although people thought I was crazy I think it would have been cool to share that date with you.  Joint parties at Chuckie Cheeses anyone? I wonder if you would have been here with us now. The last couple days things have gotten harder. I've thought about you more, I've cried more. I don't know if it's because this weekend was your due date, or mother's day, or something else. Maybe the shock of it all is starting to wear off, maybe I'm starting to realize this isn't some crazy nightmare. I'm not going to wake up to hear you crying, or your mother telling me it's time to go to the hospital. I'd rather not get sleep because you need to be fed and get your diaper changed then to not sleep because of the pain.

On Thursday I broke down at work. Luckily not too many people pass my office, I doubt anyone there knew. I had gotten a link to a website that helps parents that have lost a child. I started reading some of the stories, including some from dads that have been in the same situation I am in. Their writing was beautiful, their stories so sad. Not all of the dads lost their children when they were babies. I read one story of a father that lost his daughter right before she turned 14. I don't know what would be harder. To lose a child that you had known for 13 years, or to feel robbed of the memories and experiences. In some ways I felt jealous of the dad. What I wouldn't give to be able to spend 13 years with you, but I don't know that I could handle the loss. It got me thinking about what I would do if I lost your older sister Kelsey.  She just turned 13. Would I be grateful for the time I had with her? Or would it be harder because I would miss her smile, miss her laughter, all of the good times we had, and even the sassy comments.

On Friday your mom and I went to Orcas Island. We had to take a ferry to get there, and we had a few hours to wait until we could check into the hotel room. It's a fairly big island so there was plenty to do. I had told myself that this weekend I wouldn't think about anything but being here and relaxing. It hasn't worked so well. Your mom and I went for a walk on the beach. I thought about you. I thought about how fun it would be to watch you discover the world. What would you do if you turned over a rock and saw a small crab run out of it? What would you do if you picked up a slimy piece of seaweed? Would you be like your mom and be disgusted by it, or would you be more like me and start playing with it? We drove up to the top of the highest mountain here. There is a large stone tower you can climb up and see all the way around.  Unfortunately it was a little cloudy so we couldn't see much. I thought of how much you would probably like the view, but then I realized that it probably doesn't compare to the view you have now. I often wonder what you are doing. Are you watching down on us? Who have you spent time with up there?

While your passing has made me more firm in my beliefs it has also raised so many questions about how the whole thing works. I have a firmer belief that we will be together again, that we will get to spend all of the time together that we missed out on.

I wish I could see you grow up. I've seen pictures of your mom when she was young and she was pretty cute. I know that you had your mom's ears, nose, mouth, and red hair. I bet you would have looked a lot like her.

Love,

Dad

So... do you have any kids?

Dear Sawyer,

Today I don't know what to do. It's been a good day, but this evening we decided to go introduce ourselves to our new neighbors. She asked if we had any kids. We said no. I know that she was asking if we have any kids at home, since she has two, but the answer didn't sit well with me. We do have a child, while you are not with us in our home now you will be with us forever. Your mom and I spent awhile discussing it and I think I know what I'll say next time. I think saying no is a disservice to your memory. Maybe you don't mind that answer, but I want you to be acknowledged. I'm not looking for pity if I told someone we had a daughter that passed. If there was any follow up conversation they would know how blessed we feel to be able to hold you for the time that we did. They would know how many good things have come out of this. Well, I'm sorry to keep this so short but I have to finish up one of my classes tonight. It'll be good to get school done with and be able to take a break.

Love,

Dad

2 weeks

Dear Sawyer,

Tonight will be short. It's late and I'm getting pretty tired. Today turned out to be a pretty good day.  This morning we had a bit of a scare when your mom was having some difficulties. We didn't know if they were common after childbirth or not so we talked to the midwife.  She advised us to go into the hospital which we did.  We spent an hour or so there and everything checked out fine. It was a big relief. I have this fear that I am going to lose her as well. Your passing was so sudden to us. Who knows when it will be my time or when it will be your mom's time. As much as we want to see you, hopefully we last for a long time on this Earth.  My other fear is that something happens and your mom is unable to get pregnant again. I mentioned this before, but it weighed heavily on my mind today.  I bought a blood pressure monitor this morning so that we can keep track of your mom. When she becomes pregnant again, it will be nice to have around.  I'm sure we'll also get one of those devices that allow you to listen to the baby's heart beat. I bet we'll use it every night.

This afternoon we met up with your Uncle Brian, Aunt Brianna, and your cousins; Elijah, Isaac, and Eve. Elijah, who is 12, is only about an inch shorter than me!  We came to your grave and planted flowers in the nearby planter. There were 2 small shrubs before, now it is full of daffodils, pansies, and a pink azalea. They also planted sweet pea seeds.

I hope you like it!

Love,

Dad

What a day....

Normally I have started my posts as a letter directly to Sawyer. The posts reflect what I would want Sawyer to know about how we are handling things. While they are written with her as the main audience I obviously realize that other people will be reading my blog and so I also write in a way to help others understand how we are going through the grief process. I have been somewhat conflicted about what I was going to write about today. This morning I had a very personal, spiritual experience. While I am normally very open, my faith is very important to me. I want to share the experience, but I also want to maintain the sacredness of it.

For those that are reading this who are unfamiliar with LDS (Mormon) beliefs, one of the activities we love to do is worship and learn in one of our temples. It is a sacred and special experience for us. Inside every temple is a room for quiet thought and meditation. We believe that it is the closest we will get to God on this Earth. The rooms are both elegant and simple and called the celestial room.  http://www.moroni10.com/LDS/Temple_Tour/Celestial_Room.html is a link to a few pictures of what the rooms look like.

Dear Sawyer,

Today has been a peaceful, comforting day. Not completely devoid of sadness, but good none the less. I got a text message a couple days ago from Katharina asking if I wanted to go to the temple with Aaron.  We needed to be there before 6am so I was a little reluctant at first. I sure like getting as much sleep as I can, but I thought this would be a good opportunity to spend time with Aaron. This morning I awoke early and we went to the temple. The session was really great. Afterwards I went into the Celestial room and sat quietly thinking about you.  I realized that if you were with God and the Celestial room is the closest I will get to God on this earth then I knew at that moment that I was the closest to you I will ever get in this life. I sat quietly and it wasn't long before the tears started to flow. Within a few moments though the tears stopped and the most comforting feeling came over me. I felt you so close to me. I could picture you looking down on me, surrounded by family that have already passed. I didn't want to leave, but at the same time I felt guilty that your mom wasn't there experiencing the same thing I was.

After the temple Aaron and I went to Snohomish and had breakfast.  We drove up to the cemetary afterwards and I spent a few solemn minutes standing next to you. Aaron was unable to make it to your funeral so this was the first time he had been there. The weather was nice and the flowers still looked beautiful.

The rest of the day was really good. As I was driving home after dropping Aaron off I passed a friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a while.  He's been going through a rough patch as well so I thought I'd give him a call. I'm glad I did. His son has been having a really hard time and due to some bad circumstances they are not able to spend time together. I could tell how much he worried about his son. I spoke to the boy's mother and expressed my desire to help them out as much as I could. She mentioned that he had expressed a desire to see me a couple times so I decided to invite him along for some bowling. In the early afternoon I went bowling with him, your mom, and Grandma Sherri. We had a really good time and I got my highest score to date, a 225. We came back home and played some video games before I took him back home.

I hope you are doing well. I cannot wait for the day that we are together again.

Love, Dad.

First week of work...

Dear Sawyer,

Well, my first week back at work down. Things went ok, better than I had expected. I was able to concentrate on my work for the most part, although anytime I had a break things were hard. Everyone at work has been really great. I appreciate feeling their support and concern. It's nice to know that people care about you. I had to go over to the main office today which gave me a chance to see everyone else that I hadn't seen yet.

I miss your mom being pregnant. I miss how she would feel her belly and smile when you started moving around. I miss being excited to go shopping for clothes for you. I really tried to balance out your outfits to have a lot of "pro daddy" clothes. Onsies and shirts that said things about you being daddy's princess and things like that. To be honest I was nervous having a girl. I know that I can be really protective, and I would hate to spend my life on blood pressure medicine because I worried about you too much. But now that your gone, I really hope our next one is a girl. We've talked about naming our next child to have Sawyer as a middle name. Would you be ok with that? I think it would be a nice connection that they could have with the sister they won't get to know for awhile.

I am worried about whether or not we will be able to have another child. I know how disappointed your mom would be if she never had one of her own. I would be really disappointed as well. I wonder how that will change things? Yesterday we went to Red Robin for dinner. Directly in my field of view was a small girl, probably 6 months old or so. I noticed that she didn't have much more hair than you had. Seeing her reminded me of you. If we have another girl would I constantly be reminded of you? Or would it help? After we have another baby will I still get sad when I see a baby?

I think one of the worst parts of grieving and going through something like this is feeling guilty when you laugh, guilty when you smile, guilty when you are not thinking about the recent loss. I feel guilty that it hasn't even been two weeks but I feel pretty good. I wonder if it is my faith and belief that we will be together again that is making this easier. When people ask how we are doing I usually say something like, "pretty good considering..."  I let them draw their own conclusions as to what that means. I consider myself someone who is compassionate about other people, I don't want people to think that I should be mourning more.  Maybe I should stop worrying about what other people think.

In some ways you are the third child I have lost. While I still get to see Kelsey and Kaiden every month the visits are short and I don't feel like I have the benefits or experiences that a father should have with their children. I've had to come to terms with losing them in that capacity, maybe that's helping me deal with this loss as well. I do hope that as they get older that our relationship will get closer.

I wonder what life is going to be like for us a year from now. I should finally be out of school, I'm sure your mom will be pregnant by then. Maybe we'll be in a house with horses. I know that I will still be thinking about you, that I will still miss you, and I will still look forward to when we are together again.

Love,

Dad 

Wednesday... blah.... it is Wednesday right?

Dear Sawyer,

I don't know why it is so hard to keep track of what day it is. I was off on Monday, today is my 2nd day back at work so it would be Wednesday. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday I'm sure I'll be trying to adjust to my new life for quite a while. I took a lunch break today, I just needed to get out for awhile. I still haven't ventured over to the main office.... maybe tomorrow.  I rescheduled the work bowling for May 12th although it seems like most people won't be able to make it. I don't know really what to say about today. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I usually do pretty good but have moments of intense saddness. I think about you a lot.

I replay the conversation I had with your mom all the time. She had called from the hospital, we were worried but weren't sure about anything. I was in California sitting in my rental car at the hotel. I hadn't checked in because I was waiting to hear. She said, "It's not good, they couldn't find a heartbeat." We only talked for a minute or two, I don't think I could have kept it together for any longer. I called your Grandma Sherri and told her, "We lost her, we lost Sawyer." I was a wreck, and alone. She did a good job of getting me calm as I had started to hyperventilate. If I wasn't on the phone with her I don't know what would have happened.

Here I am almost 2 weeks later. Various scenes from the days that followed the horrible news play in my head. Part of me wants them out, part of me wants to never forget them. My time with you was so short, filled with such extreme emotion. If I were to cut out what was really painful then I'd lose a lot of what we experienced. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around things, memories, being both terribly sad and happy at the same time. Holding you for the time I did was so sad, knowing that it would be the first and only time I held you on this Earth, but I was also happy that I had the chance to hold you and how beautiful you are. Sometimes I feel a wave of comfort coming over me and I can't help but wonder and hope that it is you that is doing the comforting.

I was at a stop light today coming home from work and the sadness really struck. It can be a fairly long light and gave me a lot of time to let my mind wander... "They couldn't find a heartbeat", "We lost her" kept playing over and over in my mind. Lowering your casket in the grave, holding your mother as she wept. So much came through in such a short period of time. Then later in the evening I was laying down for a quick nap. I heard your mother start to play the piano. It's been a couple weeks since she had and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard. I went out to watch her play and the sadness struck again. thinking how much she played Fur Elise while you were in her belly.  I often thought as she played that you would someday be comforted by that song, since you've heard it so much.

I miss you.

Love,

Dad

Back to work....

Dear Sawyer,

Today I went back to work.  I thought it would be easier than it was. Yesterday was fairly ho hum. We said goodbye to Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don. Your mom was in quite a bit of pain, which had me pretty concerned.  We took it easy the whole day and I'm not even sure if I left the house.  That's pretty sad isn't it?  I can't really remember what I did. I must have gone somewhere though, I'm pretty sure I moved my truck from the driveway to street parking so that Grandma Sherri would be able to park her car in the driveway. Maybe I did that on Sunday...

This morning I felt fine as I went to work.  I didn't sleep very well last night, but what else is new? I was walking from the parking lot to the office building I was stopped by a co-worker. I haven't had too many conversations with him since I started work there but he told me how sorry he was to hear the news and I could hear him getting a little choked up about it. Grief can be a funny thing. My grief is for the daughter I lost and the amount of pain that I see my wife going through. I also grieve for family and friends that are so affected by the news. The co-worker this morning was experiencing grief and I wonder where a lot of it was coming from. Was he sharing in my grief? Had he lost a child somewhere along the way? Did he imagine what it would be like if he lost a child?

I walked up to my office and said hi to my manager. I could feel the tears coming as she expressed her sympathy for your mom and I. I didn't do a very good job at holding them back. I think Monday was the first day I didn't break down at some point. The same cannot be said about today. I don't consider myself as going backwards or losing progress though. Sometimes in life things are 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it can even be no steps forward and a few steps back. It doesn't mean you aren't making progress in the overall scheme of things. Another of my co-workers stopped in and dropped off a card. She has been through a similiar experience and offered an ear if your mom and I wanted someone to talk to about it. It was a very nice gesture and I watered my face for a few minutes after she left.  Is that a better way to say that I cried?  It's not that I want anything to grow on my face but saying that I cried makes me feel like I'm searching for sympathy.

I avoided going over to the main office today. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really only saw the few people in my department and another co-worker that I went bowling with. I think that's going to be a good therapy for me, especially when I win. We were supposed to have a bowling party at work. I cancelled it when I heard that the doctor's couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't know why I was so concerned about dealing with that at the time, but it was nice that it was something I could take care of cancelling pretty quickly. One less thing to worry about. I rescheduled the event for May 12th, which is my birthday. I almost feel like I'm tricking everyone into attending a birthday party for me. Today felt really overwhelming. I almost feel like I'm at the end of my rope. In addition to mourning I found out today that I don't have PTO to cover the time I took off last week and there is no bereavement policy at work.  Although taking unpaid time off isn't going to be very fun, we'll get through it and I wouldn't have changed things had I known before hand.  In addition we have more court fun in CA, even though I'm not concerned about the outcome it still is stressful. It feels like God has been testing me and is showing me how much I can handle.  I hope to come out of this a better person.

Love,

Dad

1 week...

Dear Sawyer,


I can't believe a week ago we had just gotten home from the hospital. This week seems really really long, yet it also seems that last Sunday was only yesterday. We went to your grave today. I didn't know if there were any flowers on it but I wanted to make sure there were. Your mom and I went after church. Church... that was pretty hard today. The bishop asked me before hand if it was OK to announce your passing.  I told him it would be and let Stephanie know what to expect. Bro. Anderson was the one making the announcements and choked up a bit. It is amazing to see how many people you have touched in your short life. Even if it was just a reminder how much he would miss his kids if they were gone.

When we got to the cemetary I was relieved to see that there were flowers covering your grave, and that everything looked in place. Your mom and I stood there holding each other, crying. It's still so hard to believe you are gone. Are we still in shock? Denial? They say that grief follows different stages and that you progress through them. I don't think that's the case. It seems like you can jump back and forth between denial and grief, maybe even experiencing them at the same time. I haven't really felt anger though, and I think that is a really good thing. I'm surprised that I am not angry at the driver that hit your mom. I am not angry at the doctor's who would have seen something if they had done more ultrasounds to measure your growth. I hope it doesn't come.

Tomorrow we are going to speak with a lawyer. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand insurance is there to cover a loss. The funeral was expensive and there isn't enough money in the world to make this grief worth it. On the other hand, since I'm not angry, I'm not looking to punish anyone. Maybe it would be easier if I was angry.

Your Uncle Kevin and Aunt Lindsey left today. It was nice having them around. Tomorrow your Grandma Jackie and Grandpa Don are leaving. Almost time to return to real life. Are we really returning to real life though?

Is it Saturday already?

Dear Sawyer,

I am having a hard time believing it is already Saturday. One week ago I was in the hospital all day with your mother waiting to see you. She was doing a lot more work than I was though. Another day of distraction, another day of breaking down when I am alone. We went to the Nelson's today. It was nice to be around so many people. I wish I would have gone down to your grave today. I should have. I think I will after church tomorrow if your mom is up for it. We have some flowers here that I'd like to bring to you. I hope that Monday we can go in and order your headstone.

Today was your sister's birthday. A teenager now... I didn't get to talk to her though, but I was really hoping too.

Love,

Dad

The day after....

Dear Sawyer,

I am worried. I am worried that we are not feeling how intense the pain of losing you will actually be. When the family goes home and we are going back to our lives what will happen when we feel the void of your passing? We had a course, we were getting ready for you. Now we need to adapt... How are we going to do that?  Today went pretty good, but I think it was only because we are still surrounded by family. In the morning Grandma Sherri and I went to the funeral home to finish paying for the service. I'm glad she was able to help or I don't know how we would have paid for it. Grandpa Keith came over later and we moved some stuff to storage. Your crib, stroller, car seat, and other things are all there and I hadn't seen them since I left for California. I got so sad seeing them there, not knowing what we would do with any of it. If all you get are brothers I don't know that they would like being in a pink stroller.

I thought about you the whole day. I need to be careful. I feel a strong desire to protect you and you are not here with us. At times I've thought that I need to just go to your grave and sit there making sure you rest peacefully. If I think about that too much it will probably drive me crazy. I want to go and see you tomorrow. I want to know that everything is in place and not disturbed. I want to lay some pretty flowers above your grave. If anyone is visiting people at the cemetary I want them to know how much you are loved and that someone is visiting you and looking after you.

In the afternoon a whole bunch of us went bowling. It was a nice distraction and I did pretty well averaging 134 for three games. My 3 highest scores were the highest out of the 6 that bowled. This evening we all sat around watching old music videos on you tube. When we got bored of that we pulled up funny videos and spent another hour watching them. It really just seems that all this distraction is doing is postponing the heavy sorrow that will eventually come.

Funeral....

Dear Sawyer,

Wow, today was a tough day. Tough, but good. Really this whole week has been such a blur I had a hard time remembering what day of the week it was. Not only the day of the week, but the date, and what we were doing today. Grandma Sherri and I went to the post office in the morning to pickup the card that Kaiden sent you and the necklace/bracelet that Kelsey had made for you. I was really nervous that it wouldn't be in.... I know that your brother and sister would have been so disappointed if that didn't show up. When the clerk at the post office went to go get it out of the back she told me that I needed to show her ID. I was so out of it this morning that I didn't have it with me. Luckily she asked me who I talked to at the post office to hold my mail. For some reason I remembered his name. I'm horrible at names! Grandma Sherri opened it and took a look. Kelsey did such a great job on the necklace and bracelet.  She made one for herself that looks exactly the same. She wore it all day today and is going to wear it every year at least.

Family started showing up through out the day. A bunch of your great Uncles, and Aunt drove over from Spokane just for the day. I was touched that people drove 12 hours to spend a couple hours with us. I made a shadow box for the Nelsons. It had the foot prints I made out of the sand and resin in it as well as the memorial card I made, some seashells, a couple of Agates that grandma Sherri had found and I printed out the poem called "Foot Prints".  Kathrina seemed really touched by it when I gave it to her.

We ordered a few pizzas from Jimmys and everyone sat around and talked. It was nice to see so much family around, our house was completely full. It was a good distraction and kept my mind occupied. I had picked up a pink tie to wear, and first thought that this was the only day I'd wear it.  Now I think I'll wear it every Sunday.  I've thought about having Grandma Sherri embroider your name on it.

The funeral was beautiful. I carried you from the car and placed you at the grave site, the last time I'd be able to hold you in this life. Your Grandma Jackie ordered some beautiful flowers which were placed on your coffin. It was hard standing there, knowing you were inside, knowing all the things we wouldn't get to experience together. I had been so excited to teach you everything I know. To take you bowling, to teach you how to fly our stunt kites, to teach you how to fish, and to work on cars. Instead I was there, staring at your final resting place. Austin, the funeral director, was there and told me that I would get to lower you into the ground. It brought peace and pain at the same time. I'm glad that I was going to be the one to do it, but very sad that it was being done.

When all of our family and close friends had shown up we started the service. Grandpa Keith dedicated your grave. Once that was done I went over and picked you up and held you while Austin removed the covering to your grave. He jumped into the ground, suit and all, and I handed him to you. I stood there and cried, not caring that anyone was around. For that moment it was just you and me. Once you had been lowered they started playing the song a Child's Prayer. I'll probably listen to it every day for awhile.  Even if I didn't play it I would still hear it. As I stood to the side all of the people who were attending walked past and put a daisy in the grave for you. I walked over to your mom to hold her as we watched everyone express their love for you. Once everyone had placed a daisy your mom and I walked over and each placed a daisy in the grave. She broke down and we held each other, saying goodbye to our beautiful daughter.

After the daisies I called your sister and brother. They wanted to release some balloons at the same time as we were. Kelsey and I counted down to 1 and we released 11 pink balloons and 1 white one in Washington and a couple it's a girl balloons in California. It was nice that the kids wanted to be a part of the service. I think our next trip in May is going to be pretty somber.

You were born on Sunday the 17th at 3:18PM. We finished your services on Thursday the 21st at 3:18PM.

After the service we went to the church for a dinner. It was nice to be able to sit down and talk to our family and friends. For being after a funeral the mood was pretty good.  I'm glad for that. While we spend time mourning and grieving for you and our loss, we have both been pretty good at functioning through out the day. Sometimes I feel guilty. If someone tells a funny joke and I laugh, or if I decide to joke about something. But that's healthy right? To be able to live a some what normal life while in mourning? Is it going to be this way in another week? When the family goes home and people aren't here every day are things going to change? When we found out that your mom was pregnant with you we were so excited, but at the same time it didn't feel real. Not until we had bought clothes, brought in furniture, and felt you move did it start feeling real. Now it's sort of the same thing except excitement is sorrow. Sometimes it doesn't feel real that you are gone.

Wednesday....

Dear Sawyer,

I think tomorrow is going to be the hardest day so far.  Never in a million years did I think I would be getting ready for your funeral. Your grandmothers went today and dressed you in the cutest little dress. Grandma Jackie stayed up really late on Tuesday to make it for you. Grandpa John went to take pictures. He did a really good job. I touched them up some to make sure you looked perfect. You looked like a sleeping angel. I used to find pictures of those that have passed to be a little disturbing but, having these pictures of you have been comforting.

I decided to do some projects today to help keep me busy. I took a couple of the pictures the photographer took on Sunday and made a card for your memorial.

What do you think?

I also took your feet impression and made a copy of the mold. I've got several plaster casts of the bottom of your cute little feet.  I've got one that is drying now made out of an acrylic resin.  I poured lots of sand into it which should settle on the bottom. I want it to look like reverse sand print.  I'm going to put that in a shadow box with the poem called "Footprints."

When I went to the print place to get the cards I made printed out I stopped next door at a little cafe to get something to drink. When the lady behind the counter asked how my day was going my only response was "It's one of those days." She then proceeded to agree with me and tell me how awful the day was because she was two hours over her shift. Really? I'd trade her day with mine in a heartbeat.  I just simply smiled and carried on. I realize it's out of manners that people ask how you are doing, but they really don't want to know the answer. I've been tempted to try it out to see what someone's reaction would be if I said, "my day is going crappy, I have to bury my daughter tomorrow."  I wonder if the person would ever ask that question again?

We went to see Darlene, the midwife, and Kyla. This was the first we had seen them since you passed. It was good to see how much they cared about us, and about you. I'm glad that we have a plausible explanation for what happened. I'm glad that they did everything they could for us.  They did mention that if there was a mom that had been in a car accident they would check the baby out with an ultrasound 4 weeks after the accident to check development, which is not something doctors usually do. I'm glad that through our tradgedy they were able to implement something which might help others in the future.

Your Grandma Sherri moved in today. She was going to move in to take care of you, now I guess she'll have to take care of us a little bit... for awhile at least. Your mom slept through the night last night. It was good. The first couple nights I have woken to her crying. I don't mind getting a chance to hold her. Speaking of sleep I'm dozing off. I will let you know how the service went.

Love,

Dad

Pictures...

The photographer did an amazing job. We had a few photos sent to us for the service on Thursday. 

The cause....

The statistics are horrible.

In America 1 out of every 115 births aren't "live births."  For a developing country we rank pretty darn low.

It's a statistic I hoped to never be a part of...

They figure out the cause only about 40% of the time.

Fortunately for us we have an idea of what happened.  I know that people are probably curious, and I know being in that position people don't want to ask. 

When Stephanie was 29 weeks pregnant she was rear ended. We took her to the ER where she experienced some contractions. She was kept overnight for observation and everything appeared fine. When we had the ultrasound on Friday the doctor said that her body had stopped developing at about 31 weeks. On Sunday when Sawyer was delivered, Doctor Jordan had said that the placenta came out too easily and showed signs of seperation. Since her development slowed right about the same time everything points to the accident as being the root cause.

Is it Tuesday all ready?

It's really hard keeping track of what day it is. I can't believe it is already Tuesday. Maybe it's been because I've tried to keep myself busy and distracted. There are so many things to do. I had to call my work, had to call Stephanie's work, had to call the insurance company, where is she going to be buried, when will the service be, what will we do for it? Is that it? The list doesn't seem very long but it sure seems like I've done more. I feel like I've been fairly strong when around others, but I easily break down when I'm alone. We still have the dresser and changing table in our room, the cute little outfits we have bought are still delicately laid in the drawers. What do we do with all of the clothes? They are hers. The idea of giving them away makes me nauseous. What if we don't get the opportunity to have another girl? What are we going to do with a pink stroller, car seat, and play yard? Clothes... we have so many clothes. My mom embroidered Sawyer's name on some of them. Those are hers. I'd never give them away, but is it really healthy to hold onto them forever?

What is healthy behaviour when you lose a child? As we were making burial arrangements I initially felt very strongly about having her buried in Arlington. Arlington is way too expensive... Plus I would be too tempted to drive by every day after work. Would that be healthy? She will be laid to rest on Thursday in Snohomish. It's a good distance away, about 30 minutes to get there.  It's not on my way to work. I think I'm OK with that, although I don't really have a choice now.  We made the arrangements today. We visited the cemetary and picked out where she will be buried. It's in the middle of 6 other plots. I think we are going to buy all 6 and have a Keith plot. I never thought I'd be making these arrangements, but everyone should. Now... It's not pleasant to think about, but it's a lot harder when you have to make so many other arrangements. I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife were able to come with us today.

After making the arrangements I got home and was so exhausted. I had an e-mail that we had a delivery, the last thing that I was expecting of hers. I had ordered a mattress last week. We spent a good amount to get her the best mattress we possibly could. I wanted her to be healthy, I wanted to do whatever I could to reduce the chances of SIDS. The mattress was waiting for us on our front door step when we came back. I thought of her, of course I have been thinking about her constantly, but this just felt different. I closed my eyes and thought of how I would have laid her to sleep every night on the mattress I was holding. I would have picked her up when she cried at night.

I do have one big regret. I wish I would have talked to her more. I wish I would have sung to her. My fondest memory of when Kelsey and Kaiden were little was singing them to sleep. Their favorite song (or maybe it was just mine) was "A Child's Prayer"

Child:
Heavenly Father, are you really there?
and do you hear and answer every child's prayer.
Some say that Heaven is far away,
but i feel it close around me as i pray.
Heavenly Father, i remember now,
something that Jesus told Disciples long ago.
Suffer the children to come to me,
Father in prayer i'm coming now to thee.

Mother/Father:
Pray, He is there.
Speak, He is listening.
You are his child,
his love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayer,
He loves the children,
of such is the Kingdom,
the Kingdom of Heav'n

The song is traditionally sung with a child and an adult. When I would sing it to the kids I'd always just deepen my voice for the second part. I looked forward to holding Sawyer at night and singing this song to her, probably the one of the things I looked forward to the most.

I wouldn't change a thing...

I'm sitting here with Stephanie and my dad watching quantum leap. We started watching the series a few weeks ago and we are watching the episode where Beckett goes home and is himself when he's 16 years old. My dad said he has thought about what he would do differently if he was in that position. I've spent so many nights thinking about what I could have done differently in my life to avoid some of the pains and trials I have gone through. I've spent WAY too much time thinking about stuff like that. Way too much energy...

I thought about what my dad had said and reflected how much time I had spent thinking the same thing. I couldn't think of a single decision I would make in my life that I would change. While it would be nice to have some sorrow removed I couldn't know joy without knowing pain. How do you get perspective on anything? You experience the opposite.

While the pain is great, I feel so much peace. I don't know how the two are existing at the same time, but they are. I feel such a deep profound love for Stephanie. I know how much our family and friends love us. I know I have amazing kids. What else would I want out of life? Why would I change any decisions I've ever made when I have everything I need?

If I was able to go back to my 16 year old self I would tell him that all the pain is worth it in the end.

Scott

A sister's loss

Kelsey has been keeping in contact with us frequently. Both her and Kaiden have expressed profound sadness. They were so excited to get to have a new sister in their lives. The following is a text message that I received from Kelsey. Text messaging had been turned off of her phone but apparently some recent account changes I made turned them back on, even though they weren't supposed to be.  Shortly before midnight is when I received this text. She had no idea that it would actually go through, but needed some way to express her sorrow.

"Dear Sawyer,            

I have never met you in this life, but I will meet with you someday. I will never get to see you laugh or cry. I will never have the chance to give you a hug, hold your hand, or share memories with you. But there is and always will be the fact that I love you, and nothing can ever change that. I know that God is watching over you, and that you are still with us in our hearts. I have but one question, why did you leave us? Many are broken-hearted because of your passing. I was so excited to have a new sister, to hold you, to make you laugh... But it was yet another hope of mine that let me down. Just promise me one thing, promise me that comfort and peace will be brought to Stephanie, Scott, and any others of whom that grieve for their loss of you. That's all I ask. Please let it be so. I will remember you always.                       

Love,
                          
Kelsey xoxo"

On Sunday night I received a picture from her. She had made a necklace for her and a matching necklace and bracelet for Sawyer to wear for the funeral.

Our Beautiful girl

On Wednesday of last week we went into our midwife appointment. Stephanie was due on May 7th and we were having one of our final appointments. We were nervous, scared, excited. We had been making so many preparations. Stephanie had been amazing at taking her prenatal's everyday. She stopped drinking caffeine, even when the temptation got really high. If you knew Stephanie you would know how hard this would be for her. The appointment on Wednesday went ok. The low blood pressure was a little elevated, but still within normal range. We got to hear our baby's heartbeat. I wish I would have been able to listen longer. On Friday I flew down to go see my kids in San Bernardino. It was an early morning flight and I arrived at 8:30. Stephanie had not been feeling the baby move and was planning on going into the midwife that morning. Having arrived too early to check into my hotel, and wanting to get my mind off of being so nervous I went and bowled a few games at the local bowling alley. I bowled my highest game ever, a 185, which helped my mood a bit. At about 11 o'clock I went to the hotel. I was thinking that I needed to head back to the airport and get the next flight home, but since Stephanie was going to the midwife at 11:30 I thought I'd wait. I was hoping that it was just a false alarm.. I didn't check into the hotel, I sat in the parking lot and anxiously waited to hear back from Stephanie. The first call I got from Stephanie was while she was at the mid wife. She was unable to find a heartbeat and so they were transferring her to the hospital for an ultrasound.

Another 45 minutes of waiting or so and I got the word. There was no heartbeat. Our sweet little angel was with her Father in Heaven and it would be a lifetime before we would be able to talk to her, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. On the selfish side I mourned the loss of being able to give her a name and a blessing. I would not be able to baptize her, or see her married. My heart broke for Stephanie. She was so excited to have a precious little girl. She had been completely selfless while she carried Sawyer, doing everything she could to make sure that we had a healthy baby. I mourned for the loss my children felt. They were so excited to have a new baby sister that they could hold and love.

Labor was long, Stephanie was induced at about 2 in the morning on Saturday. We had great nurses at Providence. Yvonne was our nurse in the evening and Sue was the nurse during the day. Dr. Nathan was the first doctor Steph saw, although it was Dr. McGraff that was there for most of the labor. We were surrounded by our families and could feel the love and support from our friends.

Stephanie was so strong, much stronger than I think I could have been. I cannot imagine the pain of labor being mixed with the pain of knowing that you'd never hear your baby cry.

On Saturday things continued to progress, although very slowly. I don't know how I could have made it without being surrounded by family. We made arrangements to have a photographer come in and take some pictures of us with Sawyer after she was delivered. If you are unaware of the organization it is called "Now I lay me down to sleep". http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ Their work is amazing and we are looking forward to seeing the pictures.

The hardest part of the whole day was starting to plan the funeral. I feel so grateful that my friend, Austin, was able to come and help make the arrangements. I can't imagine having to make the arrangements with someone I didn't know.

Saturday night was the same. Stephanie was doing great managing the pain and breathing through the contractions. Our family was great at knowing when to be in the room and when to wait out in the lobby. We were able to sleep some that night, which is probably more than they got trying to sleep in the chairs in the lobby.

On Sunday things started progressing more quickly. Because Stephanie's blood pressure had been high we needed to have some blood work done before she could have an epidural. We decided about noon that we needed to start the lab work that would take about an hour. It's a good thing too, if we had waited too much longer Stephanie would not have been able to get an epidural at all.

That afternoon we finally got to see our angel. She was 4lbs 5 ozs and 17.5 inches long. She had beautiful red hair like her mother. She had her mom's nose and mouth and definitely her ears. I was able to cut the cord.

We spent the afternoon holding her, talking to her, and crying. After some time with just us we let family come in and get to say their hello's, and their goodbye's. It was a beautiful afternoon, one I will remember forever. I am glad that I was able to spend time with her, to feel her body next to mine and to be able to kiss her forehead. The photographer came in and spent time with us, taking pictures with different family members. I had actually found out about this organization a few months before hand, which helped make it so much easier to make the decision to have them come in. I had read an article about old Victorian photographs that people would take when a loved one passed. This article talked about the foundation and I was able to see the beautiful work that they were able to do.

Around 7:30 we said our last goodbye's. I was able to walk her down with my brother Brian and Austin. I had one opportunity to tuck her safely into a car seat and she was taken to the funeral home. I wish I had the strength and ability to hold her until it was time for the funeral.